Sex, Drugs and Rock ‘n’ Roll (ok then No sex, some legal drugs like codeine and some Elvis & Eddie Cochrane)

I feel like I come through a crossroads and today a little event or sign came at an appropriate time.

I have still had that feeling of being depressed to feeling lost and had meditated on this.

I was also worried that my alcohol consumption was increasing, not to an alcoholic level but still an unhealthy dependency, being my age I know myself well and the signs and portents.

Alcohol and drugs have in my past been a way of blotting out things and also another form of self harm.

So what did I think was behind this?

Well I had been in a place where I was prepared to pass on from this life, as a Wiccan I don’t fear death, and although I did fight my cancer with everything I had also looked at all possible outcomes and one was that I would not survive.

I feel that I have been on the threshold of going over and in many ways feel that I have never totally come back, perhaps this is why I am getting my tattoos and piercings, I am grounding myself in reality.

Also I am so keen to get my reassignment surgery and body modification is my way of taking control of my body and self image

At the end of last week I had 2 days where I just lazed about and this was a lot due to 2 heavy sessions on wine & Bacardi and Codeine combos’

As I was walking about my flat, I did think I don’t want to go back down this path and some heavy meditation did help me focus on my inner spirit and strength.

I made a choice that I wanted Friday and Saturday evenings to be my enjoyment nights for wine and it is a better state of mind then just drinking to blot things out.

I have been de-toxing my body and today I went for a 3 mile bicycle ride and also went to the park, where I saw a group of drunk teenagers and I thought I don’t really want this.

I am trying very hard, but it is hard work to cling to this reality.

Let’s sprinkle some positive dust

My cycling is improving and I have found a nice little route that has a small hill/bridge, this gives me a chance to start pushing my fitness boundaries.

From here I stop at Southchurch hall and park to feed the ducks and sit and relax.

It is such a peaceful park and I feel so relaxed when I sit and close my eyes.

Also there are some steps that lead from the hall to the park that I use to carry my bike, (A good way to tone the body).

I was tired yesterday, but in a good “I done lots today” way.

I am looking to buy some fitness equipment to tone my abs, arms and waist.

My figure is coming back

Yes its true, my boobs and hips have come back with my weight gain and exercise routine.

It feels nice to have this back, also my hair is starting to get thicker again, and it has also started to regroup (during chemo although it did not all fall out, it stopped growing and got thinner in places).

Also I have bought more clothes, I am a lot more expressive in myself since before my cancer, I have a look that I like and with this nice weather I can show off my tattoos J

Tomorrow is work “D” day.

This is the meeting with the director and HR to see if they will take OH advice.

It is good fun!