Just a word?

This is my umpteenth re-write because I what I am trying to say is difficult to get across. I have read and reread it to a friend and still I'm not entirely happy and hope it does not come across in print as a “rant”.

However, this piece has been very hard to write because it mixes up me, my friends and matters I care about deeply. I was also asked not to post it elsewhere and I respect what that person asked. But what do you do when something you read on a site rankles...

This is my personal opinion (ok it is on the internet for other people to see) but I am using it as a place to vent for now. But if the issue concerning you overlaps into other parts of your life and changes how you feel about other people and their reactions to you, what can you do?

I am proud of my history as a Transsexual woman and the gender history that makes up my whole life. Along my path of transition I have not only helped other TG/TS people but also been a LGBT equality rights activist.

For me one of the most annoying words introduced into the LGBT equality dictionary is the “Transgender” word as this umbrella term includes everyone from an occasional cross dresser to a male to female or female to male Transsexual and there are big differences. This has also led to a misunderstanding or underplaying of the “him” word being used in relation to transsexual women.

I started my own personal “transition” in September 2006. This was when I started to live full time as a woman as part of the evaluation for hormone therapy and then on to surgery.

Overall, I would say I have been lucky in comparison to what other TG/TS women have gone through, apart from my early days of pre hormone treatment and my nervousness causing a gang of chavs to play the “what the fuck” game and debating whether I should have a visit to the casualty department, I have been able to get on with my life.

I had been working at my last place of employment for 7 years and I took this into consideration when I was planning how I was going to tell people at work and friendship and social circles. Of the possible problems I foresaw were pro-noun mishaps (HE/HIM rather then SHE/HER) and other people getting used to my new name.

The difficulty arises in finding a middle way between constantly jumping down someone’s throat to correct them on each and every occasion balanced against the inner needling I feel each time I hear someone mis-address me. It is sometimes hard to tell the difference between a genuine slip up and someone using a “male” word as a way to insult me.

However:

· Equality rules have been introduced for virtually every aspect of life and, by and large, we get along without needing to invoke them at every instance. They are there to protect the individual as well as smooth relations between different communities.

· For example the use of the “N” or “P” words to "black" or "Asian" people by a member not of their own group would rightly be seen as offensive language.

· As this behaviour has become less and less acceptable to mainstream society, bigots have had to adopt more discreet forms of discrimination.

· Personally I prefer to confront bigoted behaviour. For example, by confronting someone who has insulted me to me is preferable to trying to tolerate "nasty" actions by a group of co-workers such as being sent to Coventry.

· I have been told before that “You’re over-reacting”, “Being a bit sensitive”, or even “an unfit mental state”. However, I do not see it that way.

· But surely, if any other group is insulted, by sex, religion, gender and it is not challenged then our society is the weaker for it?

· When a TG woman goes out of their way to "fit in" surely a little politeness and the correct form of address are the very least that can be expected.

· In the last six years, I have only ever had four occasions when I have been "forced" to mention a slip to a friend. Four times in six years is not a lot. But it does hurt when it is a friend who makes the mistake.

· I try not to dwell on it but I end up getting stressed and losing sleep and getting far more wound up about it than if I had that run in with the bunch of chavs. And all because it is a friend who has maybe simply mis-spoken and unintentionally caused offence.

Usually communication is one of my strengths, and having struggled with dyslexia myself I am proud of this. As a Virgo I can usually detach emotion from an issue and express myself rationally, talking matters through on an adult to adult ego level.

The dreaded “HIM/HER Bomb” somehow triggers a regressive child state. Common sense goes out the window and I become all emotion. The well adjusted (well sort of) adult ego goes away and my insecure fucked up child takes over the driving seat, I am totally aware of this, but it is like being a passenger on a roller coaster ride.

Once the “HIM” word is used by one person in a social circle, it is like the measles, it spreads! And other people start to do it as well and then it really hurts me and there's no inoculation for it.

Out of the four times that I have mentioned a “HIM” slip up every time I end up feeling such a horrible person for doing this and I end up apologising for raising the issue. The subject becomes a case of the other person's hurt ego and my feelings are totally forgotten, yet how can I ignore something which so deeply upsets me?

All I can say is that because something may seem unimportant to you, it may not be to another person and that they are not “over reacting” but just “reacting”.

I know that sometimes I may seem to be a little too sensitive but please remember my history and the times I grew up in. When I was younger there was virtually no tolerance towards any form of diversity. I and other people like me have had to fight so hard to get where we are and why should we just have our feelings dismissed?

Building Sandcastles out of water

At first I may have had the title as “Trying to build sandcastles out of water” but I had started to build them, well mentally and emotionally anyway.

It has made me realise how awkward I can feel in long term social situations, around loving and caring people and taking down all my defensives to think about a relationship.

I think after a childhood of no love or affection being shown that I may never be able to fully love back,

The thing is no one has hurt me or lied to me, I read too much into something and also after starting to like myself after some stunning photos taken of me by a talented photographer I got carried away and let my ego get carried away.

I am retreating back behind my defences yet wanting that big social life, a love life, forget it, it will not happen I accept that now and have been on a major down ride ever since, even feeling suicidal at times, but would it be right to after fighting so hard to beat cancer?

I have been thinking about where these feelings are coming from, I think it is a whole mix of wanting to stop the emotional hurt the fear of being alone and wanting to move on.

I had been in a safe space when not thinking about relationships and even had a “cover” of waiting for my SRS, and have a whole confused bunch of feelings about the “R” word, perhaps I will never be ready and have already meet my soul mate in this lifetime, and after we learnt our karma lesson we were not meant to be together this lifetime.

I think I have never got over “rejection” to me “no” = rejection, although on a rational level I know that we all have the “no” word in our lives, but the big N word has so many warped and negative emotions and memories attached to it that I can never change my feelings to it, only slightly moderate them.

I am with a nice group of friends and feel so at home in a common like of the joys of fetish life, in the past I have always been happy to take a quiet spot in groups and not expect much, but for some reason I got carried away and let my ego get a bit carried away and it is just not a case of reigning it back in as I have also not stopped thinking.

I can see a familiar pattern emerging, other people getting into Poly relationships, people playing and hooking up and me ending up on the sidelines again, and it brings back all those old childhood pains of rejection again.

I accept responbility as I was the person building sandcastles out of water, no sense of reality at all.

I am still getting pain in my stomach it has gone back into the 7 out of 10 zone and like a 6^th sense I know it is cancer again and this time there will not be a fight.

castles

It has been such a long time since I have last posted a blog, as my title says “posted” It does not mean I have left this blogging thing behind me.

A mix of a social life suddenly appearing on my horizon took most of my time, but mainly it put me into a happier place, and for some reason I can’t write as well when I am happy.
Therefore as I am writing and posting again I have once again fallen back into the comforting and safe feeling of pesimission, no happy ending for this girl, and really wasn’t this what I am all about?

Also my pains have started to come back again in my stomach mixed with tiredness and last night I had an attack that felt like a combination of a mike Tyson punch to my lower stomach and my insides being gripped and twisted by a hulk Hogan choke hold, although I would rather he had gripped my throat.
With all this starting up again I felt it was time to write again and also I really do want to get cancer back this time, I feel I had enough of trying, I have nothing else to prove, and I am not going to have a relationship, always be fucked up and in so many ways I feel I have hit a wall in my life.

I feel like in so many ways this is a new introduction to a new list of blogs, I feel I have such a lot of feelings and angst to get out that a quick introduction blog is in order.
A quick list of things to write about.

New organisms
Fetish life and how I love it
Meeting nice people
Building sandcastles out of water (this be my next one as it as in many ways put me where I am now)
And many more.

Day trip to Pattaya and home is on the horizon

This week I went out on a day trip to Pattaya, and on the agenda was a visit to a gemstone and jewellery shop, where you also get a guided tour and shown the process of original handcraft techniques used in the stone polishing, fittings and the final product and also a nice shop with helpful assistants, who were very good as we all bought something there!

I loved looking at the original quartz crystals and other stones in the museum part.

The young man, who was helping me, was kind enough to let me try on some diamond rings, even though I assured him they were out of my price range.

I have been looking for a amber ring for the little finger of my left hand for a little time now and when I did look at the amber rings, the first one I tried on was a perfect fit, I did try on some other rings, but this was always going to be my choice and I also bought it for a good price 1500 baht (£36) which for all the work on it is a fantastic bargain and also something to remind of a special trip to a beautiful country.

We were a small group of 9 people and most of us have been together before our SRS, so there was so much laughter and once again we were out again in the “stealth” van.

The next stage was a visit to park, which had some beautiful gardens, and also some shows, one is of traditional Thailand culture and dance, (which I really enjoyed) I do love watching theatrical content from different cultures) and a mix of Thai kick boxing, and sword fighting.

The second show I had mixed feelings about, it was a show with elephants in and they were very clever, it was a mix of them dancing, playing football, and even painting, ,my mixed feelings were for the elephants as I prefer that animals are out in their natural habitat.

In between we had a nice buffet style lunch and Jipp showed me how to serve up ice cream in traditional Thailand style and very nice it was!

We had set of at 9:30 in the morning and did not get back to 7pm so it was a long day and I was glad to have a shower and rest, although I had to make up for my missed afternoon dilation and have 2 evening ones.

I was also glad I packed plenty of pads in my bag as I went through all of them as did the other girls, men don’t know how lucky they are!

Interesting views from around the world

As I have been talking over the last few weeks, the views of girls from around the world and from different experiences has been interesting, from a Australian girl who was intersexed and had her SRS at 18 to the older women like me, and all our different paths to Thailand.

This brought up the question about “would we tell any future partner” about our gender history, and also for a younger lady like Jordan it would be if a future husband wanted children, then how would she answer the reason why she cannot have children, it gave a different perspective to the older woman who had previous marriages and have children.

Also from a interesting note if it helps any, I have noted that the couples who have stayed together after SRS in some way don’t function, it is a friendship, I had a chat with a couple and the genetic woman had admitted she was not a lesbian but was scared of change, perhaps even if it hurts it is best for people to move onto to new life’s.

The one thing we all shared and agreed on was how the “transgender” has become too much of an umbrella term for what was originally transsexual men and women.

The main thing had been rejection from families, the subject of people who had been married and women who had meet new partners during transition, so a whole mix of experiences.

A hint back at my calling?

During the my stay over here, people have at times asked if they could confide in me, I was even asked to mediate in a dispute between 2 sisters and dealt with everything ok, even one of the women from the clinic asked if they could talk to me, as she said she felt better after talking to me and I had a peaceful and calming nature, which with my counselling skills, got me thinking is this a calling back?

Last Appointment with Dr Suporn (or so I thought!)

Today is Friday 18^th February and it is my last appointment with Dr Suporn before I fly back home on Monday.

My healing has gone so well. A lot better than I expected, so I think my pre routine of yoga, aerobics and healthy eating really paid off and the girls tease me as they know I am ok with dilating, saying I even get off on it lol (as if!)

I had thought the most important thing was get here, get the surgery done and heal well and get home, anything else is a bonus.

I went into the examination room and Dr Suporn went through everything and said that there was a tiny tear on the lower outside labia; to be honest it is not as bad as it sounds, Dr Suporn is a perfectionist about his work, I just had to wait for a little while as he saw the rest of his patients and some stitches were applied, nothing painful at all, not even the injection for the local anasetic, I been poked and prodded so much over the last 2 years, so it’s nothing new to me.

It was funny as during the stitching process I jumped a bit and Jip who was holding my hand for comfort said “you in pain Lucy” I said no Clitoris very sensitive!

He is happy with everything else and I am not complaining with the swelling going down a lot I can already see my clitoral hood forming, I am a happy girl.

I will have a quick check-up on Monday by him to ensure that everything is ok.

I got my letters (I will try to take a photo to put up, if not I will scan when I get home)

But I can now get my GRC and finally get my birth certificate changed. (When you read Dr Suporns letter I don’t think the GRC panel can turn me down)

I also took up the offer for Dr Suporn to go through the photos from my surgery, and it is a surreal experience as I sat down and he went through step by step photos of my genitalia being reshaped and I get the DVD to take home, I must make a copy to send to my father.

I got my farewell pack, lots of the magic “green and yellow” pain killer tablets, cleaning stuff and other bits and pieces.

Also I have been given some sleeping tablets and these are very good, I am using one for the return flight to Heathrow airport, it will help pass the 10 hours away.

I will be picked up at 5pm to be taken to the airport on Monday, with a letter requesting wheelchair access and a seat with as much leg room as possible.

The next wave of “newbie’s” come flying in.

Well it seems like a long time ago that I arrived in Thailand 3 days before my surgery, a bit nervous, thinking I may be spending a lot of time alone in a hotel room recovering and maybe not getting out much, this was my previous blogs have mentioned showed this was not what my experience was at all.

I saw a new group of people waiting in the clinic and getting the little wreath of flowers and their box containing the four boyfriends! And amongst the group I recognised an English accent with a hint of Devon in it.

It was a lady from Cornwall and I invited her to our little group meal and drink later that evening, (it was a joint leaving event for me, Jordan and Alexandra, as we leave on Saturday, Sunday & Monday respectively)

I also invited her to sit with us at breakfast and gave the advise about the 7/11 shop to help save money being spent in the hotel, how to order cheap bottled water from the clinic and so on, I won’t be able to visit her in hospital as she is admitted on Monday for a Tuesday Surgery, but I was able to put her mind at rest that she was in good hands and the post operative care is first class and answered her questions, the top one “Dilation”! I was able to assure her was not as bad or painful as she will think and we would exchange email details as I would email her and ask how things are.

Also she shared a interesting story with me, a friend of hers had her SRS by Mr Thomas (who would have done mine on the NHS) and although she was happy with the appearance of her vagina, she had no sensation at all as his technique cant do that, and not a lot of depth, so I am so glad that fate gave me a chance to be able to have my SRS with Dr Suporn.

So we were passing on the torch to the new group.

Last night there were a lot of tears and hugs as we have shared a journey, not so much a physical one, but one of putting a part our soul at rest and feeling ready for a new life as it starts again.

Finally some last lovely words to me

I have thought at one stage of a bit of Facial Feminisation Surgery (FFS) some doubts had crept in as I saw some results over the last few weeks (not patients of Dr Suporn I must stress)

And had thought I like my face and I am good with makeup and also am totally comfortable going out without it, some girls thought I had had surgery as they said my face was feminine, and my voice was complimented as being feminine and I said I had not had surgery just done my voice exercises over the last 18 months.

I did ask Dr Suporn and he said your face is a nice shape and you are very femanine in your appearance, deportation and your essence is female, that was nice to hear.

So I will be writing away in my private blogs before I fly away and also on my flight home (before the magic sleeping tablet kicks in!

My next post here will from back in sunny England and with Smudge back at my side.

Thank you to Caroline for the lovely chats while I have been over here and also to the lovely Joanne for the same reason and the detailed Eastenders and Corrie Street updates J

Day trip to Dr Suporns Beach house

Although I always envisioned that this trip would be about healing and recuperation, it is still nice to fit in the odd trip out amongst all the days of rest.

One such trip planned is a day trip to Dr Suporns beach house which is about a 60 minute drive from the hotel, we did stop on the way for about 60 minutes to visit a temple, which was fantastic and on my list of places to visit.

It was also nice to meditate before one of the female goddess statues and to give thanks for my healing.

Then it was onto the beach house, the staff where once again so friendly and helpful, and plenty of cold drinks and an afternoon buffet were supplied.

Also at this stage I should mention that this was at no cost to us, it is part of the service of aftercare.

We also had a Thai massage which was a wonderful and relaxing experience.

Although we can’t swim in the sea at the moment, (activities like this are not allowed for another 12 weeks) it was still nice to walk along the beach and feel the waves wash over my feet and to sit down and watch the sea, such a wonderful and relaxing feeling.

To be honest since I have had my operation I have felt totally at peace with myself and have a wonderful sense of well being.

We did share some humour on the trip as the van has “The Dr Suporn Clinic” on the side, now not everyone in Thailand knows about what type of surgery he does, but we couldn’t resist jokes that at least we were going out in stealth in “the transsexual van”, I knew my stitches are healing as I had not too much pain with the laughter.

Wednesday 9^th February 2011

I had my latest check-up with Dr Suporn today, this was to check inside my vagina walls and ensure the skin graft is healing ok, he ensured me that the little tool was narrower then my dilator, but I didn’t flinch, it’s funny how used us women get to having Drs putting things inside our vaginas!

Everything looked fine and he is pleased with everything and with the aid of a mirror showed me, nice and pink and genuine looking inside and hairlessJ.

My next checkups are on Monday 14^th and then Friday 18^th, and then it will be time to go back home.

The time has passed so quickly and it will be nice to back in my little cosy flat with Smudge.

Thailand – 4th February 2011

Dilation is a word that all transsexual women will hear about as surgery comes up, it’s even known about before transition almost like some sort of mythical beast.

I think this legend has grown due to some” horror “stories by previous post op transsexual women, who not only seem to revel in explaining bout blood etc, but also enter the competition “who has the most depth”, I hasten to add that this is not true of all transsexual women, but the odd few strewn apples out of the box seem to have to find a way for masculine competitiveness.

Although I can adopt a “take it with a big pinch of salt” attitude, let’s be honest some images do form in the mind that can change as the day comes nearer.

Not only is it important to maintain depth, but to also circulate the vaginal and internal scar.

I am now 10 days post op, and have been out of hospital for 3 days, have now settled into my twice daily dilation routine.

The process after surgery is to have complete bed rest for 5 days and to keep your legs not to far apart or bent (as to not tear the skin graft as it heals).

This Was hard work, far harder then I imagined, I had my notebook and internet access, a good book to read, my iPod and my portable DVD player, I worked my way through the complete season 3 of “Buffy the vampire slayer”.

But little things like bending your knees to rest a notebook on, you never realise how much you miss it until you are not allowed to do it.

I was given a bed wash and new hospital top changed twice a day, and my room was cleaned twice a day, (once again the NHS could and SHOULD learn from this so called “third world nation).

The fridge in my room was well stocked with bottled water and fruit juices, one advantage of having a catheter is that you do not have to worry about trips to the loo with some drinking of fluids.

It is important as it encourages the newly shaped urethra to work and after my previous hospital trips; I am now an old hand at it.

On the 6^th day I was able to have a shower (ah the bliss) and walking with the aid of a nurse.

I took little granny steps at first and then on the 7^th day I was able to visit some of the patients in the rooms either side of me.

The 7^th day unlike in that wonderful comic is not a day of rest, but the day of release from hospital, but also has a tinge of nerves as it is also “D Day” (I think by now we know what the “D” stands for)

In the morning my catheter tube was sealed off, not taken out, but disabled and I had a shower and was given a pain tablet.

One of “my boyfriends” was taken out of my box; I noted it was the second largest “Jimmy Dean”

Then a nurse wheels in a steel trolley which was left alone with me for 15 long minutes as I awaited Dr Suborn, it looked more like something out of a “SAW” film as the minutes ticked by.

Then Dr S arrives and started to explain to me how the process was going to work, and also the cleaning ritual, for the first 2 weeks as the internal stitches heal, the wound also needs to be cleaned.

So first the Cather and drain tubes removed, no problem, next stage the internal packing, as I watched it really took me back to memories of watching a magician on television where they kept pulling all those multi colourer handkerchiefs out of his sleeve, it is packed into a Condon so that any bandages can infect you inside, but a lot comes out! And I can happily say there is no pain whatsoever.

Dr Suporn places a mirror between your legs and shows you as he dilates you, and it is not to unpleasant, a slight discomfort.

The only thing left is that I was able to urinate before I left hospital, and once again I had heard stories of “going everywhere” maybe I was just lucky, or possibly my deportment option of sitting down to urinate since I started my transition helped, but I did not go everywhere and had no discomfort, and it was a wonderful feeling when I sat down with my new vagina.

I was driven back to the hotel, and then told that Aye would visit me at 4pm. This was to watch me dilate and make sure that I was ok with the whole process.

Also due to hygiene reasons, tap water is not advised to be used to clean any instruments, the clinic do provide 6 bottles of water at a cheap price.

The whole routine takes 60 minutes at the moment, first is to wash the vagina area with water and then a medical solution, and then clean again with water so the whole area is clear.

A large plastic mat is provided to cover the bed sheet, with a long thin PVC strip. Also for extra hygiene a condom is placed on the dilator, (I have been told that there is no need for this once I am back in England and the skin grafts have healed.

Then you get on with it, as it stays in for 30 minutes I watch an episdode of the xfiles. This routine will change to 3 x 15 minute sessions next week and onto “dynamic dilation”

I had s titi8ches taken out today and I am happy with the healing process and walking a bit further now.

It is not that bad a process, it is just find8ing time to do it, and if you’re a Virgo like me then I got it all organised!

first look

Excuse typos, I ust had my meds given to me.
Bandages come of, and Dr Suporn inspected and yes I got sensation! he used a mirror and gave it to me, ok still swollen as expected, but I am so fucking happy, I keep looking.

And really hardly been in any pain at all, post care is good.
had a shower and washed nmy hair, finished buffy, and now starting xfiles, been told not to have sexy thoughts due to live tissue, Im bisexual and every Thai nurse is so hot, so calm thoughts.

And they said they like my tattoos and breasts and massaged them, think Anne Whiticombe

PS caroline knows ;)

what the names, Elvis, Jimmy Dean, Johnny D & Ms Kat Von D mean ;)

rough draft, but it do as tomorrow is D day

Thailand – January 25^th 2011 - am

I had a night of thoughts, half dreams, hurricanes & butterflies until at last the world of dreamscape...

I have packed my hospital items and had breakfast and spoken to the girls.

I have made some interesting connections and it has inspired, also the flirting with one USA girl has been fun.

The last 2 days have brought back memories from when I was studying Transactional Analysis and its work on the inner child.

On a conscious level I do not go around analysing people, I am sure that on the unconscious level this is not entirely true, I have always been a “people watcher “and trust my instincts around the different types of people I have come across in my lifetime.

I do think that as I am now mature not just in age but also on an emotional and mental level.

I can now look back on the work I done on myself during my counselling training and how accepting who you are inside and bonding with that inner child is so important.

There is/was a lady staying at the hotel that has had SRS, breast augmentation and facial feminisation surgery, the work on her face has been done repeatedly, where I can at first see a female shape to where it has continued to be worked at, continuing and trying to make her face into the ideal shape she had in her own mind, and it looks like it is coming from her unhealed inner child.

In how she acted and dressed it was screaming out and also her longing for acceptance and attention, her bold public face was very much at odds with her insecure attempts to let people hear what she thought they wanted to hear, rather then what she believed in or thought herself.

To me it brought home that the first place for self acceptance and love is not the scalpel but the counsellor’s chair.

Thailand – January 25^th 2011 – pm

I am in a hospital room #915, waiting for room #902 to be prepared, this will be my room for my stay.

Katherine a lovely Australian lady came to the hospital with me, she also wanted to visit another lady, (it is part of the Trans sisterhood support network, and I look forward to when I am able to help on the continuing success of this important function.

I have had my blood pressure taken and also meet the Psychiatrist who went over my life and family history.

He also went through my drawings with me and it is surprising what comes from within when answering his questions.

The inner child theme continues as I answered the question “how old do you see this woman in the picture and who is she?” I answered that it was me and that she was between 35-40 and I saw that my inner child as grown up, the outer and inner souls uniting, even if I am able to lie a bit about my age, and I can see that we still both share the sin of vanity.

As I was sitting in the little room adjoining the hospital room to eat my lunch, I had so many thoughts about my childhood and how I have come to this place now and felt an inner peace.

I am still nervous as the 2 bites of my chicken salad can verify.

I am now all unpacked in room 902, and the Thailand people’s attitude to Trans people is so refreshing they appear to respect us.

My nurse kia was so funny, as she said to me “tomorrow Lucy you will have a beautiful vagina” I thought that a UK nurse would not have offered these sentiments!

I now have a wired broadband service, all set up for 200 BHAT a day (£4).

My room is spacious (larger then my bedroom at home) and well air conditioned, with a fridge, television, wardrobe, safe, table and chairs and a sofa.

I am now in this strange limbo before the next part of my continuing journey, I am so happy that I and my inner child are still on this earthly plane and that all those years of self hate and destruction failed.

I have just met a lovely friendly woman, the one who will put me to sleep tomorrow, and took the time to talk to me, go through my medical history, explain how she would do things and said not to worry as she will put me to sleep quickly and I will get a sleeping tablet tonight, the level of care so far is so good, and people assume that Thailand is a third world medical country!

She also explained that Dr Suporns team had been discussing me for tomorrow re securing my stoma bag for hygiene reasons, the attention to detail is very impressive, and I bet he makes lists as well.

New Journeys starting

I heard a knock on my door earlier today and a young man introduced himself and explained that he was here to support his partner who had her surgery yesterday (Monday) I offered to sit down and talk to me and then told me HER story, she had gender issues and was not ready to transition six years ago but was going to, I asked her name and it will be Eve, I called her Eve and said you are a woman and we have all been where you are at this moment in your life.

She had also meet Dr Suporns staff and one of them is going to take her shopping this week for some female clothes, for me it says it all.

If I was to add further comment, could you imagine a NHS reception nurse doing this in her own time?

They also let relatives sleep in the room and even put a bed in the room for them and also feed them, I think I am hammering in some big points and I would recommend Dr Suborn and his staff to anyone.

I did go to see Eves partner and we had a good chat, it is her birthday on 15^th Feb, and you be surprised to know we will be drinking wine in the hotel bar that night!

I not got time yet to write about the Dutch girl and other stories.

I am going to end here and my next blog will be post op.

Monday 24th January 2011

A little time out from some deep and reflective private blogging.

It has been edited from a more detailed blog, if some bits seem oput of sync sorry

After talking to Jo online, with time difference and me up at 3am it was nice to talk to someone from home and it helped a lot, I was also going through a lot of missing smudges huggles

I was ok when I woke up with so little sleep, had a lovely time talking to people over breakfast and then headed out for a little 10 minute walk in 30 degrees heat, flip-flops and a summer dress in January was total pure bliss pure bliss.

I had started talking to a Dutch lady who was being admitted o hospital today (Monday) and she has her surgery on Tuesday, but we were taken to the hospital together for our blood and other tests.

We had a good laugh, cry over our shared experiences, she goes home on the 21^st February (the day before me)

We are going to talk to each other as we progress through pre op, post op care and dilation stories.

I had a 2 hour gap before I was due to meet Dr Suporn for my consultation.

As I was waiting I was given a consent form to fill in a questionnaire and asked to draw 2 images:

One of how I saw myself and the other a picture with a house, tree and people in it. Was also asked to place in order my preference of what I wanted, which I answered:

· Sensation

· Cosmetic appearance

· Depth

And asked what depth I expected.

He went through a PowerPoint presentation explaining about how it works, what to expect and the healing process and of course dilation.

I was very happy with what depth he said I would get a minimum of.

I got to meet the great man himself, he examined me and went through my medical history and assured me that my skin was good for his technique.

He went through a PowerPoint presentation to explain about his procedure.

I was given a booklet and a lot of information and my “special friends” my 4 dilators or my “boyfriends and girlfriends” I am thinking of names for them, Jimmy Dean, Kat Von D are springing to mind.

I will be in hospital for 7 days and then bed rest in my room for another 5, but some of the girls are going to visit me in hospital and also when I am back in my hotel room.

I am going to read my booklet and watch some DVDs and relax; I am in a calm state and about aftercare, dilation and hygiene and thinking of the road ahead.

Also a big thank you to everyone for your good luck messages to me

.

Closed to Further Notice

I will add the odd update here and there.

I am still writing, but it has a more personal blog.

I do think people for the feedback on my blogs, but I want to stop being hurt.

I can put up with my family, hey I been used to that!

But I finally got the message when I emailed a new account and got no reply, I got the message!

I am still trying to recover from this flu, I have had an injection and it has helped me to overcome my paid for ticket for my called of journey to the midlands, but if im not well I m not well.

To Jo who reads these blogs and who I spoke to the other evening, thank you! For talking to me and I would like your feedback on some of my blogs if this is ok, I will tweak security settings.

I started to pack today, one week to I fly over, 11 days to surgery.

Need to heal from inner hurts before then.

Been such a long time

I have not really been up to blogging much lately; but I was reminded about it when I came across a photo I took with my webcam when I was in hospital recovering from my cancer operation and also my Thailand date is just “around the corner” I fly out on 22^nd January and it has flown by fast (no pun intended)

As I have been resting and recovering from the flu bug that seems to be affecting everyone, I also feet in a writing mood and have the time as I had to cancel a visit to Leicester to visit Lisa and Pauline, I did not want to cancel but I can’t take any chances with surgery, as with a chest infection my date would be delayed and I don’t want any more delaying.

There are a few little bits to catch up on

Where do I start, I take it that for people who have read my previous blog I can report that I have had two more tattoos done since, my boobs have healed very nicely, I have written out profile details for dating sites and I have started to set things in motion for a more active social life this year.

Photos to give a quick update.

An Eastenders Christmas

It is sad for me write this, but in some ways it was going to happen with how events had been developing over the last six months.

I did spend Christmas at my sisters again and we had also planned to go out (just the 2 of us)

My dad was still acting like a bigot and I have continued to have no contact with him since his actions last Christmas (is in a previous blog)

But my sister has started to act “shifty” in how she was on the phone to me and how she had stopped phoning me so much or even returning my missed phone calls to her.

She had asked me if she could loan £5000 from me before that, I had to tell her I did not have the money and she still owed me “250 from her summer holiday” (now the eastenders reference makes sense!) I had offered her what I considered good help and advice, about contacting CAB, writing letters, budgeting, even offering to travel to hers, make appointments and help her to stop hiding her head under the sand, but she said she had no time!

I do understand it is not for me to ask her to choose a side in the argument with my dad, but I had asked her not to tell him about how I was doing as this was just between us sisters, which I felt was fair of me to ask.

She ended up borrowing the money of my dad (as was found out on Christmas day).

I had planned to travel up to her by train on Christmas eve and return home the day after boxing day, I have found from past experience that trains hardly run over the Christmas holiday, Well all of a sudden our boxing day meal was cancelled has she had to go to her partners house for a dinner, (no invite for me) and could I go home boxing day, I had suggested that I could stay at hers and while she was at the meal I was happy to watch television and make myself a turkey sandwich.

The answer to this was no, could I go home boxing day, for this I had to use a car service and cost me a extra £40, and my first thought was to cancel coming over, but I thought it is Christmas a time to be together.

When I was there on Christmas eve, I did have to tell my sister to calm down a few times as she shouted at my nieces a lot about mess, there really was none and one had brought in wrapping paper to the kitchen to wrap presents and had planned to tidy up after, to me it was a sign that she was not totally comfortable.

I was sitting in her living room and noticed a big Christmas card that had a headline “TO A SPECIAL DAUGHTER AT CHRISTMAS” yes to me it looked that big.

It was a card from my dad to my sister and no I had not received a card.

It really hurt, but I thought let it go, anyway as things progressed over the day and into Christmas day, events become clearer, how people slip up when they have had wine!

My dad was going to be at this dinner, it was a family event, well apart from me, hey let’s not invite the family freak, but my dad caught sleeping with prostitutes is ok (I kid not)

I was still keeping a lid on my feelings when my sister really reacted as I put my glass of wine onto a table, about spilling it etc; I think it was like the final straw and I let rip at her verbally.

I went home and we haven’t spoken since, well once via a text I sent her to inform her that the cheque she wrote me had bounced and I felt that after six months could I please have my money back!.

In truth I don’t know where this will end, I know my patience with a lot of people has gone, and perhaps it is time for me to put myself first.

Social life going well

I have started going out and have been getting plenty of attention or offers, so this is nice, inside I feel very relaxed and happy with who I am, and I think this now shows through to other people.

My look is my own and I love it, I can look back to when I was ill and decided to be totally who I am.

Job centre interview

It went ok; the interview is part of me getting my Employment Support Allowance (ESA), the lady I spoke to was very nice and I was able to update her about my operation and that I would not be able to be fit for part time work or studying to about March time, to recover from surgery.

I am looking at courses to study and part time jobs and I do feel ready to get back out there again, so 2011 will be a big year for me.

Packing lists again!

As a certain Scottish lady said to me the other day online, don’t forget the packing lists, as if I would!

I have surpassed myself and have three

1 – Hand luggage

2 – Main luggage

3 – Post op care.

Also using my shopping list opened up a new world to me as I started to buy maxi pads and panty liners.

I feel very calm about the whole process, I am sure that I will be nervous on the day, this is for any type of surgery, it is my time and I am totally ready.

I am taking my notebook and will have internet access in Thailand, so there will be updates.

That’s all for now, thank you for reading and everyone’s support so far.