Building Sandcastles out of water

At first I may have had the title as “Trying to build sandcastles out of water” but I had started to build them, well mentally and emotionally anyway.

It has made me realise how awkward I can feel in long term social situations, around loving and caring people and taking down all my defensives to think about a relationship.

I think after a childhood of no love or affection being shown that I may never be able to fully love back,

The thing is no one has hurt me or lied to me, I read too much into something and also after starting to like myself after some stunning photos taken of me by a talented photographer I got carried away and let my ego get carried away.

I am retreating back behind my defences yet wanting that big social life, a love life, forget it, it will not happen I accept that now and have been on a major down ride ever since, even feeling suicidal at times, but would it be right to after fighting so hard to beat cancer?

I have been thinking about where these feelings are coming from, I think it is a whole mix of wanting to stop the emotional hurt the fear of being alone and wanting to move on.

I had been in a safe space when not thinking about relationships and even had a “cover” of waiting for my SRS, and have a whole confused bunch of feelings about the “R” word, perhaps I will never be ready and have already meet my soul mate in this lifetime, and after we learnt our karma lesson we were not meant to be together this lifetime.

I think I have never got over “rejection” to me “no” = rejection, although on a rational level I know that we all have the “no” word in our lives, but the big N word has so many warped and negative emotions and memories attached to it that I can never change my feelings to it, only slightly moderate them.

I am with a nice group of friends and feel so at home in a common like of the joys of fetish life, in the past I have always been happy to take a quiet spot in groups and not expect much, but for some reason I got carried away and let my ego get a bit carried away and it is just not a case of reigning it back in as I have also not stopped thinking.

I can see a familiar pattern emerging, other people getting into Poly relationships, people playing and hooking up and me ending up on the sidelines again, and it brings back all those old childhood pains of rejection again.

I accept responbility as I was the person building sandcastles out of water, no sense of reality at all.

I am still getting pain in my stomach it has gone back into the 7 out of 10 zone and like a 6^th sense I know it is cancer again and this time there will not be a fight.