New tattoos and Piercings and finally expressing who I am

I have finally got my lower lip pierced with a ring and I love it. As also my style has really moved on and I am now being who I wanted to be and no more hiding.

I have had part one of my “Harley Quinn” tattoo, (she is the Jokers girlfriend from the batman comics) the next will be of “Poison Ivy.

I feel like whatever time I do have on this planet that I will fully enjoy life and who I am.

I also like who I am inside as a person, I really used to worry when I noticed some people go distant on me, I think hey that’s their issue not mine.

I connected to these feelings as I am looking to finish working at Southend council.

When I first transitioned I worried about everything from pitch of my voice, how I walk, how I would be accepted at work, friends and family and even worried if the gender identity clinic would diagnose me with gender dysphoria, feelings that most transwomen go through.

I know one of my ways to “not stand out” was to dress down, gothic/alternative women get more attention in public, so the last thing I wanted was to be stared at and then worried I would be read.

As I got more confident in my voice, how I generally presented myself all these fears receded, never fully going away, perhaps hovering in the back ground to rear their ugly head if someone made a comment or I got out of the bed the wrong side.

I had 2 tattoos then, one of my wrist and one on my left arm, I had both these tattoos from my “old life” And I used to hide the wrist one under a bracelet or long sleeved top (this would also cover the arm one) I think behind this was the fear of standing out and also that people perceive tattoos as masculine, although culture shows this is not the case, (and I had a person make a comment referring to masculity) as I say I know this is not the case and they are wrong to assume this.

What made this change for me? It was as I was recovering from cancer, thinking about if I would die, about the things I had not done, and how would want to live my life if I recovered.

I realised that I had still been hiding to a degree, as I was not fully proud of who I was.

Also tattoos gave me a way to assert control over an ill body.

As I recovered I fully started to truly express how I felt and to stop hiding.

When I am out and about I love it when people look at me, I also get lots of people talk to me about my tattoos, and it is always, miss, love, dear etc, never a masculine term, ok as is right as I am a woman, I think you get the point.

So my Goth/indie/alternative/50s dress style is who I really am.

In the past this would have a barrier to my feelings and expressing intimacy, but know this is not the case, it is no barrier, but a way of expression.

Relationships.

Being single for five years now I do think about what I want from a relationship and have had some experiences in the past 12 months, not full intimacy but possibilities.

I realise that I have got used to my own company, but also I want someone who shares a lot of things I do and I want someone who is also a alternative person, it is not just a thing about tattoos, or pricings, it is about someone sharing a real understanding of who I am inside.

I will write the full details about work after I work my notice and the cheque is cashed!

Well it’s been a while

So much has been happening over the last 8 weeks, and thank you to Caroline for listening and I had considered her advice of possibly setting up another blog site and inviting regular readers to it with tighter security, this was due to the developing situation at work and what this organised Virgo would have to do to get her way and trust me I always do.

The fact that I did not set up this site hints at a happy outcome, I will write in more detail once the cheque is in the savings account, but I am getting a good redundancy offer.

I have written her before about the unacceptable comments that my acting manager had said to me and thank you to everyone for your support, I did complain about her.

She has showed how stupid she is, talking about my health declining again, she asked me why did I not just hand in my notice/resign! I pointed out if I did I would lose any payoff offer and felt I deserved this!

Also after my meeting as I was absorbing the news of what I would get and still had my time to think it over, I was on my way to the ladies toilet.

Without sounding arrogant (I hope!) I consider myself a attractive woman, confident, like my body, how I look, carry myself, my voice pitch and so on, and this is reflected in my social life with new friends who accept me as a woman and know nothing about my gender history and now I am never short of offers.

The design of the council building has the ladies and gents toilet entry doors next to each other, as I was making my way to the ladies, a old work collage was on his way to the gents and held the door open for me! I said “I use the ladies sugar plum”

I went back to my desk picked up the phone to HR and said I don’t need the 24 hours to think, I accept the offer I can’t work at a place that still sees me as a man.

I feel liberated of the only place that knows my gender history and a nice fat pay check.

Scans again

I have been booked in for another scan, I have had old symptoms back, I hope it was due to stress from work and private life.

I will catch up on blogs and comment on other peoples “promise”

Love and peace to all.

blog again soon

sorry everyone I will blog soon and also catch up with other peoples blogs