New tattoos and Piercings and finally expressing who I am

I have finally got my lower lip pierced with a ring and I love it. As also my style has really moved on and I am now being who I wanted to be and no more hiding.

I have had part one of my “Harley Quinn” tattoo, (she is the Jokers girlfriend from the batman comics) the next will be of “Poison Ivy.

I feel like whatever time I do have on this planet that I will fully enjoy life and who I am.

I also like who I am inside as a person, I really used to worry when I noticed some people go distant on me, I think hey that’s their issue not mine.

I connected to these feelings as I am looking to finish working at Southend council.

When I first transitioned I worried about everything from pitch of my voice, how I walk, how I would be accepted at work, friends and family and even worried if the gender identity clinic would diagnose me with gender dysphoria, feelings that most transwomen go through.

I know one of my ways to “not stand out” was to dress down, gothic/alternative women get more attention in public, so the last thing I wanted was to be stared at and then worried I would be read.

As I got more confident in my voice, how I generally presented myself all these fears receded, never fully going away, perhaps hovering in the back ground to rear their ugly head if someone made a comment or I got out of the bed the wrong side.

I had 2 tattoos then, one of my wrist and one on my left arm, I had both these tattoos from my “old life” And I used to hide the wrist one under a bracelet or long sleeved top (this would also cover the arm one) I think behind this was the fear of standing out and also that people perceive tattoos as masculine, although culture shows this is not the case, (and I had a person make a comment referring to masculity) as I say I know this is not the case and they are wrong to assume this.

What made this change for me? It was as I was recovering from cancer, thinking about if I would die, about the things I had not done, and how would want to live my life if I recovered.

I realised that I had still been hiding to a degree, as I was not fully proud of who I was.

Also tattoos gave me a way to assert control over an ill body.

As I recovered I fully started to truly express how I felt and to stop hiding.

When I am out and about I love it when people look at me, I also get lots of people talk to me about my tattoos, and it is always, miss, love, dear etc, never a masculine term, ok as is right as I am a woman, I think you get the point.

So my Goth/indie/alternative/50s dress style is who I really am.

In the past this would have a barrier to my feelings and expressing intimacy, but know this is not the case, it is no barrier, but a way of expression.

Relationships.

Being single for five years now I do think about what I want from a relationship and have had some experiences in the past 12 months, not full intimacy but possibilities.

I realise that I have got used to my own company, but also I want someone who shares a lot of things I do and I want someone who is also a alternative person, it is not just a thing about tattoos, or pricings, it is about someone sharing a real understanding of who I am inside.

I will write the full details about work after I work my notice and the cheque is cashed!