Light at the end of the tunnel

I had my 9^th chemo session today and had a very good conversation with one of the nurses treating me.

The last couple of days I had felt like my old self pre September 2008 (has it really been that long!)

I had more energy (I have also learnt how to use my energy bar in short bursts) my appetite was better, with this, more fresh fruit, a pint of semi skimmed milk a day, grilled chicken and fish, with my homemade pasta sauces, (salt and fat free unlike the easy to cook pasta sauces).

I had been so tired that cooking had not only been hard, I was worried about wasting food as the smallest thing could fill me up or there would be a sick episode.

I have also developed an eating pattern of small meals to combat my shrunken stomach and also honey with hot water has become a good energy drink.

Plans for post chemo

As I have written before I want to accept my uncle’s invitation and go to Australia this year or possibly early 2011, I have also thought of rebuilding my social life and what direction I want it to go.

I would love a life partner, I would not say soul mate as my ex-wife was my soul mate and to me only one comes along in your lifetime (shame she could not be a lesbian *sigh*) but at least I was lucky to meet her and have 8 wonderful years with her and we will meet in the afterlife.

A special person would be nice, I don’t want to fall into that trap of looking in a desperate way or trying to hard to force something, it is getting that balance of being in the right place at the right time, or as my big belief is FATE! But hey fate needs me to also help myself.

So I have been looking up local lesbian groups in Essex/London and some online sites.

Also I have been looking at going to some sci fi conventions next year, I have seen a Stargate one and the other is a general sci fi convention covering everything from Star trek to Dr who, Buffy etc.

It would be nice to enjoy my inner geek.

I found my old Star Trek Lt Uhaura costume, and thought well with my fringe, just buy some pointed ears, a little bit of makeup and hey im a Vulcan.

I have seen on eBay a wonderful shop that makes a custom size Lt Col Carter (Amanda Tapping) from Stargate Atlantis and I am soooooooooooooo tempted.

And I also met a nice new friend via twitter who popped round for a cup of tea on Sunday.

So a few plans in the pipeline and yes I will go alone to these events, I am not scared anymore, I value myself after s bit of self doubt; I am a nice and decent lady.

I had started to feel so tired today as soon as the chemo started today and spoke to the nurse about it.

She went into detail about my treatment, my operation and how severe my cancer is and that I really was fighting so well, this really helped me, not in a “hey I need a ego boost way” but something to remind me how far I have come in life.

Also where I have my cancer is not common and bloody serious, so yes I have done well.

I had so many years of self harm denying who I am, those suicide attempts as a teenager and years and years of not wanting to live.

Now I have given a shit for the last five years, ok with this comes hurt from disappointments, but at least I am now living and not just existing.

I overcome another big fear (chemo making my hair fallout) ok this did not happen, but I went ahead with the treatment knowing this was a possible side effect, and I would have survived it.

Also the last two times I have gone out I have had two men ask for my phone number and flirt with me lol, so Lucy still has that old magic, and I am going to flaunt it when I’m well as I see what a attractive woman I am, I don’t want to sound big headed as I am not, just self confident and have faith in ISIS my goddess.

Also I will put any records straight if people in the community are being told crap about me.

My next blog is a planned geek programme tribute, but I think it will be a flipping book!

I will try it.

I don’t proof read now, and am dyslexic but the English is ok, ok not the grammar, I want to write from the heart and soul, mistakes and all.

What I have left in this life, I will go out with a flipping big bang and a lot of fun.

Love and peace to everyone

xx