Last Leg of a marathon

It is what my treatment feels like, I am down to the last four sessions and still hanging onto my hair (ok thinning in parts but think I may be ok)

The main side effects has been tiredness, mouth ulcers, body sores and sickness but chemo is a treatment where you self prepare for more bad days then good days.

I did hit a depressed mode just before Christmas, I think the constant tiredness really got to me and then some stupid idiot left a message on here with a spoof profile (leave my blogs alone as this is important to me!).

Also the “dad incident” really hit me like a low blow, quick update; he sent me a big bunch of flowers with a sorry note! But he has got to work harder than that!

But like a marathon where I read all runners hit a “wall” around the 18-20 mile mark, I imagine I am at the same stage in my own treatment.

Spring/Summer plans

I started to lift myself by thinking about spring and by then all my chemo will be finished and my energy levels will start to raise again, so making a list of art galleries and other places to visit gave me a positive focus and then onto summer and beyond.

I also realise that in life we do not get a chance to stop and take a look at our life, the day to day life of working to pay the mortgage or rent, then a weekend that goes by in a blink of an eye and then back to Monday and repeat (and so on) can keep us occupied.

By going through my treatment it has been like taking a step out from the human “rat race” and really thinking about life and beyond.

Having time to reconnect to my Pagan beliefs and time to meditate again, where I want to be, even other things I want to do with my life.

Also rebuilding a relationship with my sister and getting to know my niece has been really special.

We have had some very good late night chats, often snuggled up in my bed with smudge and both just falling asleep; we talk about everything from our childhood to what the future has in store.

So from this illness come a positive?

No more cancer operations

One thing I really have thought about is the “what if” question.

What if I still have a tumour, well I don’t want any more operations, the last one took a lot out of me and I am still recovering from it, I really could not go through that again.

It does not mean I have given up, as I will continue to fight, but I also need to maintain some quality of life and self dignity.

I really do feel a sense of inner calm, not long ago I visited some children in a cancer ward.

When you see brave young children with no hair or just so tired that they cannot have a childhood, it makes you realise how lucky you are.

At least I had 46 years of life before I become ill, and these brave kids have so much dignity.

So work and beyond

I had a sickness review hearing four weeks ago and was quite relaxed about the whole thing, the head of service told me “don’t feel nervous it is just a hearing” I just said this is really not scary after cancer!

But I have a review in March and then I be coming up to 12 months of work (April/May) but I really don’t want to go back, I know it will be a long road before I can work full time (if indeed ever again) but I want to do more with my life, give something back.

What would be ideal for me is a retirement due to ill health and then I could do voluntary work like counselling and working with teenagers.

I think as I was a teenager with issues and self harmed for so much of my life I want to help people.

All my life up to six years ago I self harmed from Cutting to drugs, it is amazing how we can hurt ourselves from drug taking to overeating to escape who we are.

I feel I can help people and it is something I want to do.

I would happily get some pin money by part time work and have spoken to my sister about working as a makeup consultant for Estee Lauder.

So lots of plans in the process and then on to good health for my SRS!

It has been an interesting 12 months and it has changed me in a lot of ways, I think looking at your own mortality really makes you think about things.

I saw mine has a second chance in this life to do things before I pass on.

So this is me for now, the flat is coming along, I bought a lovely art nouveau style mirror for my bedroom and it is turning into a lovely little home.