One operation down, one more to go

As I write this blog I am four days into post operative recovery after my breast Augmentation operation or as it is more commonly known “a boob job” and I still have a permanent smile on my face.

Mind you the day was one of a Thelma and Louise type adventure, I was due to check in at the Highgate Clinic in London at 10am, my friend Karen was driving me there so I could come home on the same day as my operation, so a kind friend with a car was the order of the day.

Karen had suggested picking me up at 7:30am to give time navigating through the A406 traffic (a really busy “ring road”) although I was up at 5am that morning! Truth be told I did not sleep much at all, not due to nerves but to excitement.

I was not allowed to eat or drink anything six hours prior to checking in, to be honest after all my major surgeries this is now a walk in the park! So I was dressed in a comfy tracksuit and loose vest top (I had bought a size 14 as I was advised to wear lose fitting clothing) and was watching television at an early time as I waited for Karen to pick me up.

As a fussy and organised Virgo I can assume that other people are like me, and a week before travelling up Karen had asked me to give her the map and details to the clinic so she could look up the route and I know she has a sat nav, now if it was me I would have had the journey keyed in the night before so it was just a case of drive and go, but one should ever presume.

Karen had stopped at a garage to top her car up with fuel when she turned to me and said, “Ok where are we going” I did mention that I had given her the address details, she asked me to dig out the sat nav from under the passenger car seat to see if we could look up the address!

She had lost the address and I had left other paperwork at my flat, though I could recall the address, so her laptop come out and I was using AA auto route as the sat nav did not seem to be working (yes this is the truth!)

At this point I was not in too much of a panic as we still had plenty of time, but as we were driving along and I was giving directions from the laptop, I was also trying to work the sat nav, as hearing the directions always seems so reassuring, but it was a system that was confusing.

Anyway with me starting to stress as we had got lost, things got tense between us, with cursing and swearing and me muttering, why you didn’t check the route last night (the things we can argue about!)

It got to a stage where the time was 9:30 and we were still nowhere near the clinic and we were about to take a wrong turn on a motorway which would have made us really late and Karen (and total respect to her) done a manoeuvre to ensure we did not take the wrong turn, she braked in the central reservation! Ok I did have visions of a lorry hitting us but apart from a few “horns” and angry glares we were ok.

We got onto the right road and I was expecting at anytime to see police sirens in the rear view mirror as I am sure the motorway cameras saw us, but no such thing happened, although I am sure that we could be on the next episode of “motorway cops” or some other programme about bad drivers.

Funny enough this incident cleared the tension as we started to laugh, I phoned the clinic to say we could be late and they were totally ok with this, and guess what we got there at 10:07 a mere 7 minutes late after our morning Thelma and Louise adventure.

Karen had decided she would go shopping for a bit and also meet a friend while I was checked in, no time was given for when my operation would be, but I knew it would take about 60 minutes and I would need about three hours to recover from the anasetic.

I was shown to my room at 11am and relaxed by reading and listening to my IPod, as it turned out there was some delays and after the usual tests I was still waiting at 2pm (and after all the early morning adventures).

Mr Singh my surgeon come to see me at 2:30 and apologised for any delays and said that I was next and would be collected in about 45 minutes time.

It was time to get into a gown and walk to the theatre (I am beginning to know this walk very well now).

After being put to sleep, it seemed like seconds and I was awake, or in a half asleep groggy state, I was tender under my arms and felt a tight packing around my chest area, but overall I felt fine.

I slept for another 2 hours and Karen was in my room when I woke up.

She helped me get dressed, and after a sandwich and a cup of tea I was ready to go home.

I managed to get my first peak as I got dressed, until Tuesday (16^th November) I am still bound up to support my boobs over my stitches, but I liked what I saw and also 2 very pert nipples J Mr Singh really has done a fantastic job.

I was given some antibiotics and pain tablets and told to rest, take it easy and sleep upright for the next 2 weeks (which I had totally prepared for).

Revelations about my life

Whether it was due to being stuck in traffic, waiting about hospital rooms or the drugs I was on, me and Karen had a good heart to heart, she was surprised when I told her how lonely I do feel and about how I do get let down by so called friends, it shows how people perceive you, I said to her I will still try to make new friends, but trust me I am the person you block on MSN Or ignore for some reason, and it will never change.

We did get lost on the way home; I was so dosed up on drugs I really didn’t care! I got home at 11:30pm and after Karen had gone home, I decided to catch up with that night’s episode of “The Apprentice” as my body clock was all over the place.

Still a smile on my face and a passed my sisters approval

My sisters came to see me the weekend after my operation and also inspect Mr Singhs work and she was very impressed, the size 14 top I had bought now fits more snugly.

I was also able to show her Dr Suporn’s website and photos of the hospital, clinic and hotel where I will be staying for my GRS and it put her mind at rest as she could see I would be well looked after and I got to show her photos of Mr Suporn’s work, when we were kids I never thought I would be showing her photos of post operative vaginas!

Jeanette was really helpful doing my hovering and changing my bed covers.

We went into town for a little stroll and we had to laugh as men could not stop staring at my “girls” so bring on summer J

On a serious note you do have to wait 2 years before a boob op, to give breast tissue time to grow when starting HRT and also to you need to be comfortable and confident with whom you are, and also I feel I really appreciate them as I made the most of my body before my boob op.

Christmas and onward

I agree with Melissa that the time will soon pass to my operation date (9 weeks to I fly over after Saturday!) but I am looking forward to Christmas first as last year I was so ill I could not enjoy it, then I will really think about Thailand.

I can’t wait, I feel so happy with my boobs and love the attention I get and after my operation I want to really start to live and have lots of sex J

I will post some before and after photos next week, I am approx a 36DD or 40A cup. My breast measurement size went from a 35 to 41.

Marilyn Monroe Tattoo

The wonderful artist who done my Bettie Page tattoo has been back over in England so I had my Marilyn tattoo done (up to 9 now) and she is coming for six months next time, and I am planning 2 with her a Louise Brooks and a vampire bite on my neck.

I am having some Kat Von D stars near my eyes soon.

My next blog will be next week after my boob op and I so can’t wait for next Wednesday (10^th November) to co me.

Been a long time

I have not been writing here so much lately as I am writing more of my private blogs, but it is nice to catch up here and also Lisa reminded me when she saw me and Pauline last week (27^th October)

SRS confirmed

A update here, all the letters have passed from GIC to GP to Dr Suporn and he has confirmed he is happy to proceed, so my date is 26^th January and my flight is booked to leave England on 22^nd January

Also I have now got all my housing benefits sorted out and other entitlements, so everything is in place for me to relax, heal and then enjoy life.

Whitby Goth Weekend

I had a fabulous time away at Whitby, Lisa could not make it, but she had a chance to meet Pauline, when she visited us and updated me with all her news.

I travelled to Pauline, who lives in the midlands on Wednesday, and we travelled to Whitby the next day, this saved me lots of train time, connections and about £70 in ticket money. Pauline kindly declined my offer of giving her petrol money, in exchange for some glasses of wine that evening, Im not sure which was cheaper with what we drank that night.

With Pauline living near Lisa I thought it would be nice to have someone you can talk to or pop round for a cup of tea, as I know that after the initial euphoria of “coming out” there can come a big down.

And in life can we ever have too many friends!

I had packed a fair few bits away in my trusty suitcase and also left space to bring things back with me after my shopping trips.

Me and Pauline set of nice and early Thursday morning (9:30am) and had a relaxing trip to Whitby; we had one stop for a cup of coffee and to stretch our legs but arrived at “The Salmolm leap” hotel at 1pm.

Adrian the man who runs it turned out to be a lovely man and very relaxed, also Whitby is near where the television series “Heartbeat” is filmed and we were able to take in the beautiful views as we drove down.

The location of the hotel is about 3 miles from Whitby town centre, the idea was to use a mixture of the local bus/train service to go into town, and to get a taxi back, this turned out to be a bus as the train runs only every four hours! And the bus service did not run on Sundays, I was not in Essex any more! But the bus service on other days was very good, and only took 10 minutes to get into the town centre.

Although Pauline had driven down, she wanted to relax over the weekend and park the car away, which I do understand from my days when I was a driver.

After unpacking our cases and an afternoon sleep we went into town late afternoon to sample some of the pre weekend atmosphere.

Already some other gothic people where coming into the town centre, we ended up at the local Goth meeting pub and had a fantastic evening, and I was chatted up by a handsome biker guy, and we did drink a lot, it did not stop when we got back to our hotel, as Adrian does not close down the bar! Also in the bar area was a Irish group of people down for a funeral, and not wishing to stereotype people, but well, Irish, Funeral and alcohol so let your imagination work. They were really good fun.

We woke up the next morning with sore heads, after breakfast we went back to bed for a sleep and headed into town at noon.

This was fun as seeing the local’s faces as I was out in full Goth mode was fun, yes I am a attention whore lol.

We went to the pavilion and done some shopping and I also spoke to a lady who had a stall for selling hair falls, I used to wear falls before my chemotherapy, and explained to her about my hair growing back and she said she could make a custom set to accommodate this and with my own choice of colours and for a very good price, so this was going to be part of my weekend costumes.

I had decided to stay tea total to pace myself for the weekend, and the evening was a fantastic night of live bands and then back to the hotel.

We were good and only had one drink with our new Irish friends as Saturday is always the busiest day and evening.

Being a woman with tattoos, red hair and facial pricings, I love attention, so having the photographers take my photos was heaven! There were lots of fabulous outfits and many new friends made.

It was back to the hotel for a change of clothes, sleep, sandwich and an evening of dancing.

We went to local club that plays a mix of traditional gothic music (Sisters of mercy) to industrial gothic dance music and I mainly drank water all night as I never stopped dancing, (you can now say I am a cheap date as my drinks cost nothing). Wearing my mask as part of my costume also allows me to go into my own world as I dance, and I am proud to say the other Goth babies looked up to their older Gothic mother and they were so nice to me.

I had lots of men and women flirting with me and let me tell you after my SRS I am going to have some serious FUN.

After recovering from cancer I am really enjoying every precious day of life and totally being me and seeing other people react to my look is really nice.

Sunday was another Lucy costume, it was a cyber/Victorian Goth look, and the ideas I have for next year.

I also had some tattoo enthusiasts take photos of me.

Imagine me there next year after my boob op and more tattoos, dam I may stand out!

Time to go home

Monday morning arrived too quickly and soon we was back of home, it was fabulous in Pauline’s company, she also told me that when she visited me just after my tumour operation she was convinced that she would not see me again in this life as I looked that ill.

I am not going anywhere too quickly.

It be best to wait until after

It may seem a strange title for a blog, but I hope that all will make sense as this little blog unfolds.

My friend Karen came up to London with me to visit a surgeon for breast augmentation, this is going via the private path as next week I will know if I will get this on the NHS via my PCT.

My letters of referral have gone through, but due to my cancer etc etc the whole process has disappeared into a black hole somewhere and there is a big “silence” pending a decision on this.

I have visited my GP and he is supporting me and will write another letter and I am also at the GIC next week, if however I don’t get a straight answer then I am going to go ahead as a private patient, I am just not prepared to be at the service of the NHS and get second rate treatment anymore.

I saw the future and it was big and nice.

My friend Karen came with me today, 2 good reasons, (1) being she has had breast reconstruction surgery once so has some experience with the procedure and (2) I trust her opinion for how I would look with different size implants on and what size suits me best.

The doctor was very good, I did explain to him about my gender history, it is relevant in this type of operation, as I have gone through a male puberty, I have a wider rib cage area then a genetic born woman and a wider chest area, meaning there is more area for my developing breast tissue to spread, and although ultra bras give me a good cleavage, when it comes of, I still don’t see a female bust.

Well when I tried on the 2 sizes recommended by the doctor, I went for the bigger size and loved it, it changed my whole body shape so much, narrower shoulders, different body shape overall, I tried on a t-shirt they have, and also had a couple of tops to try on and also my dress I had worn for the day, well some dresses I have will have to be altered!

Karen gave her honest opinion that it looked really good and I did not want to take the implants of.

Mr S explained the procedure, he would not perform a under muscle procedure as I had a fair amount of breast tissue, but use an over muscle type and also how this would be better for my overall body type.

Karen also liked his manner, it was professional, but also friendly and he said about the NHS attitude to transwomen getting boob ops privately, he said you know what you are doing and by looking at you, it will not be a mistake. Doctors who do these procedures privately do get some negative feedback, not just for a woman like me, but for all types of women, the mums who’s boobs have sagged due to breast feeding, the women with one boob smaller than the other and for a whole different host of reasons, all through history we have not liked our bodies, now we have the technology to correct it and also it comes at a reasonable cost.

What we agreed was I pay a £500 deposit and booked an operation date for 10^th November, it will be a day procedure and Karen is going to come with me to take me home, this saves the £500 overnight bed stay and brings the price in line with other places I looked at.

To be honest after what I saw today I am not waiting to January!

If however the NHS will do it, they will refund my deposit to me (with a letter to prove this).

I have a appointment to see a nurse on 21^st October for a pre op blood test, blood pressure etc and by then will know and if I get the NHS run around I will go ahead with the November 10^th date and I am so excited!

At the moment I don’t know a bra size as it is size of implants, then they settle down a bit after 4-6 weeks, my breast size bigger than my sisters and is also realistic to my body size and shape. I am going into the C/D cup range.

After we were shopping with me on cloud 9 and I was looking at some fitted dresses, and Karen said “It be best to wait until after your new boobs as everything will change”!

SRS Update.

Dr Suporn has agreed to take me on for surgery and my date has been booked for 26^th January, this means I will leave England on 22^nd January, I need to be in Thailand 2 full days for pre op tests, but I will leave a extra day early to take into consideration time zones, possible delays and change over’s.

Dr Suporn has asked for a letter from my GP and I went to see him this week and he did ask how much it was going to cost me and why I would pay for a operation that I will shortly get for free on the NHS, I was honest and explained that in my opinion Dr suporn will give me what I want and that as a woman with a healthy sexual appetite I want a working vagina not a hole in my body!

He will see me next week so I can review what he has written before emailing it to Dr Suporn, it was a new experience for him to hear this side of the procedure of transition.

He took an interest when I explain about how one procedure means no genital hair inside my vagina after surgery, how I will get a sensitive clitoral hood, a hit and miss with the NHS.

He wanted to write to Mr Thomas to express his concerns, he is a nice doctor but I explained my concerns that if he does this the NHS will dump me at the back of the waiting list, they tend to get annoyed if you dare to take control of your body into your own hands.

I still want to get my tracheal shave on the NHS if possible!

I am looking to save for other surgeries, cheek implants being one.

So with my Surgeries coming I can keep that promise to visit the nudist beach in France.

I will go on my own if needs be.

Taking control of my body and destiny

I remember the feelings I had last year when I had my appointment to see Mr Phillip Thomas at the Charing Cross gender identity clinic, a few days before it was confirmed that I had cancer and would have to go into hospital to have a tumour removed.

At the time it felt like the end of the world, but I saw that it was the only option.

At the time I could not afford to fund my own Gender Reassignment Surgery (GRS) and was in the hands of the NHS gods as to how my surgery would end up, I have heard a whole mix of good, bad, indifferent and the bad horror stories of the outcome of surgery, from lack of vaginal depth, to no clitoral hood being constructed to lack of sensation, or a very good cosmetic looking vagina but not functional.

I have also seen the results of surgery, and the one that always impressed me was the work of Dr Suporn from Thailand, which gives three important things

· Clitoral Sensation

· Appearance

· Vaginal depth.

I do want a healthy sex life if possible after my surgery, and trust me you would not know the difference between Dr Suporns work and that of a genetic female.

So fast forward 14 months and could that let down of been a blessing in disguise.

With my pay off from work I can now fund my GRS.

I am very careful with money and also need to keep under a certain threshold to claim my benefits.

But even being care with money over time it can whittle down, so why not take control of my body and also the most important surgery of my life?

So I sent a email to Dr Suporn’s clinic and got a reply back with the procedures they need (below)

SRS Patients

ALL patients undergoing SRS MUST provide an original, signed document from a qualified psychiatrist or psychosexual specialist, confirming as a minimum that:

1. They have been diagnosed with Gender Identity Dysphoria.

2. SRS is indicated in their case, and is the recommended treatment.

Ideally, the referral should also confirm that:

3. They have been living full time as a woman for at least 12 months prior to surgery or - if not - gives an explanation as to why that has not been possible in your case. It is accepted that in some countries the “Real Life Test” (RLT) is not a practical possibility.

4. They have been undertaking a course of female hormone replacement therapy (HRT) unless there are medical reasons (to be indicated) that such a course is not advised in your case.

The letter must show the name, address and telephone number of the signee, for possible verification

In order to ensure that there are no difficulties with the documentation that you have, please make sure that you scan the letter and send it to me as an email attachment for review, to make sure it meets the necessary requirements. It is essential that you bring the original with you when you come for surgery (or that the original is sent to us direct). It will not be possible to go ahead with the SRS operation without such a suitable letter.

There are no exceptions to this requirement. Any patient who arrives without this evidence will not be permitted to undergo surgery. If you have difficulty with providing such evidence, please contact The Suporn Clinic by email, so we can discuss possible ways of meeting this requirement.

Additionally, if the referral letter from the psychosexual specialist does not specify as in items (3) and (4) above, we require you separately to provide evidence that you:

· Have had treatment with feminizing hormones (HRT) and/or anti-androgens for a period of 12 months prior to surgery; unless there is a medical reason why to do so would not be advised in your case.

· Have lived full time in your acquired gender for a period of at least 12 months prior to surgery, evidenced by at least 2 original documents ( ** ), unless there are clearly given and acceptable reasons why this is not possible or practical in your case, or why a lesser period has been spent prior to surgery.

( ** ) Documentary evidence needs only to be sufficient to show the patient's acquired (female) name, and bear a date at least 12 months prior to surgery. Suitable examples would be - but are not restricted to - passport, driver's licence, official ID card, household utility bill, bank statement...etc.

This is part of a longer letter, but I did have scanned onto my hard drive my letters re my surgery, change of name, proof of when I started my “real life test” and more.

I got a reply back, in my follow up letter I explained about my surgery, but have an all clear, Dr Suporn is checking re my “whipple procedure” surgery (Please keep your fingers crossed for me.)

I have also enquired about breast augmentation and will also get this done if accepted as a patient.

January 26^th 2011 is the date pencilled in for my surgery; I would arrive in Thailand January 23^rd for my pre surgery tests etc and stay there for 30 days, 7-8 in hospital, and the rest in the hotel near the clinic.

17 Weeks or 119 days to go.

I await the confirmation from Dr Suporn.

I am not in the slightest bit nervous, excited yes, and to have my body as I want it and the horrible thing gone would make my dreams come true.

Old ghosts and fears

I am even Sorting out my flat and sorting out old ghosts and fears.

As Caroline said and I am sure I have mentioned here I do like to make lists, lists are good, they keep me focused, they make sure I don’t forget anything, they calm me down if I am going to panic over incomplete tasks, whereas looking over the “ticked off” tasks helps me to stop worrying about the unfinished or yet to be started tasks.

Also with a nice lump sum, I want to make sure I use it to its best advantage for me, and also leave a nice secure nest egg and funds for future plans for example collage.

One of the things I do believe is that sorting out your home space is a good form of therapy, I do love my flat and have made it into a nice home space, but due to tiredness could not have it totally how I would like it, and also other time was spent using what little energy I have going to work. And as the lovely Melissa says retirement is good and perhaps this is a hobby to keep me focused.

Also with time I had a slow walk around my flat looking at the space, how I could use it better and also about things I like, for example when I was married my ex wife got me into art deco and other antique stuff, also with my 50s type dress style along with other alternative looks I have, then why not let my home reflect who I am as a person.

And it does not have to be expensive, I am good at looking for a bargain and also I unpacked some storage boxes and come across my art deco clock and prints (I have now framed and cleaned up).

And let the shopping begin

I always believe in fate and the whole “go with your instinct feeling” I was going to go to a part of Southend/Leigh that has good antique/curiso/second hand shops, I had this planned for next week, but this nagging feeling kept making me about doing this last week.

I stopped in a shop I had not visited in ages and it has lots of 50s/40s/20s style furniture and clutter, it is between a second hand shop and an antique shop! As I walked in I saw a fantastic 1930s sideboard, and a set of 30s style bedroom draws, as my set of draws in my bedroom had broken then this was a “must have” on my list.

This was the first shop I had visited and I thought well, I got to look in the others, the lady who owned it looked familiar and as we spoke we both realised we were both treated at Southend hospital chemotherapy unit, small world huh!

We had a chat over a cup of tea and I said I would look in the other shops and if I’m meant to have that sideboard I will! although it stayed on my mind.

I did end up going back after 4 hours of looking in other shops

When I got back she told me she had turned away 2 buyers as she had a feeling I would be back and so I snapped up both items and they look fantastic.

I have also bought an art deco dressing table from an online auction site, just the type I always wanted J and for a bargain £120; I am £250 under my budget for these bits of furniture, so I am very happy.

I also come across a shop where I was able to buy a matching leopard print wrap to go with my hat, and I also found a silver/black leopard print hat and wrap (fake fur of course) for a grand total of £5 and my coat is coming from eBay.

I am also shopping for 50s style underwear, I will keep my Primark comfy for day to day wear, I hope my life picks up in other directions (more on this later)

I have donated my old bits to some charity shops, as my new sofa comes soon and also I have bought a gothic style bookcase for £15.

So the flat is changing!

Oh I forgot I also have a 1920s style hat, and I have been asked if I want to be photographed for a tattoo magazine for the “tattooed babes section”

Is it me or am I a reject able person?

This is another area I have been thinking about, something that goes back to my childhood

I always felt that I was the outside person looking in, and I used to take so much of the blame, saying to myself “I must be a horrible person” and lately I found I had looked in the mirror and asked this same question, I had asked someone if I could visit them and did not get a answer, it had confirmed the horrible feelings that had. Been building up and I had been pushing aside hoping it was not true.

I had stopped trying organise events or asking people if they wanted to meet up as I used to hear the “no” word so often, believe me I have looked deep inside myself and I have worked hard on myself and am capable of accepting my faults, I would even to a degree make to many excuses for the other person or group rejecting me.

I had been starting to work on a social life and I feel so confused, so what brought this feeling on, I had emailed a “friend” to ask if I could visit them, 2 weeks go by and no answer, think I can take that as a no! I can’t make light of it as it really left me so depressed.

I had gone away at some point and since that trip there was no doubt something had changed, a feeling you get, then you notice a absence, anyway I am finding it hard to write about this or even publish it, I keep some thoughts in my private journal, It had made me feel suicidal something I have not felt in ages, I guess I must be a horrible person, is it too much to ask for friendship over a glib facebook comment.

Why fight cancer to br rejected again? to wish it would come back again, I am picking myself up again it gets so harder when it is time and time again.

I can do those little trips, Edinburgh festival etc, I dont want to do it alone, is that to much to ask for?

I rather write my next blog a happier one as I have contacted Dr Suporns clinic to have my SRS in Thailand.

which IVY to go for?

A short break as I am writing my latest blog and it has some soul searching in it, some light hearted relief

This is to go on the underside of my left forearm, (Harley is on the outer) with the vines wrapping around my arm and roses and orchids to give a bit of color to the sleeve, then I can add some vines near my neck.fingers as I go on.

And Marilyn is all booked in after Whitby :) for my right arm.