Old ghosts and fears

I am even Sorting out my flat and sorting out old ghosts and fears.

As Caroline said and I am sure I have mentioned here I do like to make lists, lists are good, they keep me focused, they make sure I don’t forget anything, they calm me down if I am going to panic over incomplete tasks, whereas looking over the “ticked off” tasks helps me to stop worrying about the unfinished or yet to be started tasks.

Also with a nice lump sum, I want to make sure I use it to its best advantage for me, and also leave a nice secure nest egg and funds for future plans for example collage.

One of the things I do believe is that sorting out your home space is a good form of therapy, I do love my flat and have made it into a nice home space, but due to tiredness could not have it totally how I would like it, and also other time was spent using what little energy I have going to work. And as the lovely Melissa says retirement is good and perhaps this is a hobby to keep me focused.

Also with time I had a slow walk around my flat looking at the space, how I could use it better and also about things I like, for example when I was married my ex wife got me into art deco and other antique stuff, also with my 50s type dress style along with other alternative looks I have, then why not let my home reflect who I am as a person.

And it does not have to be expensive, I am good at looking for a bargain and also I unpacked some storage boxes and come across my art deco clock and prints (I have now framed and cleaned up).

And let the shopping begin

I always believe in fate and the whole “go with your instinct feeling” I was going to go to a part of Southend/Leigh that has good antique/curiso/second hand shops, I had this planned for next week, but this nagging feeling kept making me about doing this last week.

I stopped in a shop I had not visited in ages and it has lots of 50s/40s/20s style furniture and clutter, it is between a second hand shop and an antique shop! As I walked in I saw a fantastic 1930s sideboard, and a set of 30s style bedroom draws, as my set of draws in my bedroom had broken then this was a “must have” on my list.

This was the first shop I had visited and I thought well, I got to look in the others, the lady who owned it looked familiar and as we spoke we both realised we were both treated at Southend hospital chemotherapy unit, small world huh!

We had a chat over a cup of tea and I said I would look in the other shops and if I’m meant to have that sideboard I will! although it stayed on my mind.

I did end up going back after 4 hours of looking in other shops

When I got back she told me she had turned away 2 buyers as she had a feeling I would be back and so I snapped up both items and they look fantastic.

I have also bought an art deco dressing table from an online auction site, just the type I always wanted J and for a bargain £120; I am £250 under my budget for these bits of furniture, so I am very happy.

I also come across a shop where I was able to buy a matching leopard print wrap to go with my hat, and I also found a silver/black leopard print hat and wrap (fake fur of course) for a grand total of £5 and my coat is coming from eBay.

I am also shopping for 50s style underwear, I will keep my Primark comfy for day to day wear, I hope my life picks up in other directions (more on this later)

I have donated my old bits to some charity shops, as my new sofa comes soon and also I have bought a gothic style bookcase for £15.

So the flat is changing!

Oh I forgot I also have a 1920s style hat, and I have been asked if I want to be photographed for a tattoo magazine for the “tattooed babes section”

Is it me or am I a reject able person?

This is another area I have been thinking about, something that goes back to my childhood

I always felt that I was the outside person looking in, and I used to take so much of the blame, saying to myself “I must be a horrible person” and lately I found I had looked in the mirror and asked this same question, I had asked someone if I could visit them and did not get a answer, it had confirmed the horrible feelings that had. Been building up and I had been pushing aside hoping it was not true.

I had stopped trying organise events or asking people if they wanted to meet up as I used to hear the “no” word so often, believe me I have looked deep inside myself and I have worked hard on myself and am capable of accepting my faults, I would even to a degree make to many excuses for the other person or group rejecting me.

I had been starting to work on a social life and I feel so confused, so what brought this feeling on, I had emailed a “friend” to ask if I could visit them, 2 weeks go by and no answer, think I can take that as a no! I can’t make light of it as it really left me so depressed.

I had gone away at some point and since that trip there was no doubt something had changed, a feeling you get, then you notice a absence, anyway I am finding it hard to write about this or even publish it, I keep some thoughts in my private journal, It had made me feel suicidal something I have not felt in ages, I guess I must be a horrible person, is it too much to ask for friendship over a glib facebook comment.

Why fight cancer to br rejected again? to wish it would come back again, I am picking myself up again it gets so harder when it is time and time again.

I can do those little trips, Edinburgh festival etc, I dont want to do it alone, is that to much to ask for?

I rather write my next blog a happier one as I have contacted Dr Suporns clinic to have my SRS in Thailand.