Sometimes enough is enough

Perhaps not the best headline for a post Xmas blog, I really need to write this as I am so angry.

And I did still have a fantastic Christmas with my sister, nieces and her partner

See me and Jeanette have the misfortune to have my dad, a ,man who hit me, her and my mum as kids, drank a lot and near my mum’s death did not want her writing a will and he pocketed a lot of money that was meant for me, my sister and nieces.

This is not about money this is about an abusive man, why I even tried this Xmas with him I will never know.

Hey this is the man who is now a bit whiter in hair, heavier, and unsteady on his feet, it does not change who he was and still is, just because his body is unable does not mean his spirit still doesn’t try.

I feel I have to add this as not long ago a person who I thought was a friend said this.

“I don’t care what you say or think your dad is lovely” (or some words to that effect, I was in disbelief at this point).

Actually I do care about what I think and feel and also how my sister does.

My dad is not a nice man at all.

Boxing Day 2009

Me and my sister arrived at “The Coach house” at 2:30PM we have booked a table for 3 o’clock for a meal and my dad has also been invited, the cost is £30 per head, but we thought it would be nice to get out on boxing day and you know even start this as a new xmas tradition, boxing day meal out.

We had got there early as the pub is over 200 years old and have a lovely open fire, the thought of sitting in front of the fire with a cup of coffee, or for my sister a glass of wine, were very appealing.

3 O’clock arrives and in walks my dad, he can see us out of the corner of his eye, but makes his way to the bar to get himself a pint of WATER (served free) my sister went up to him to bring him over to us.

I gave my dad his Xmas present (if I do say so all nicely gift wrapped) some posh cigars and a £50 Burtons gift voucher, my dad commented “don’t Matalan’s sell vouchers?” of which I replied

“Yes dad, but I could not make it to my local one as I have been very ill recently”

Nice to know my gift was appreciated!

At the bar my sister had said “water dad” and he assured her that was all he fancied.

Until Jeanette got up and said does anyone want a drink, and without a pause my dad ordered a pint of lager, his thirst changed from water once someone else was buying!

Good to know he could not buy his daughters a drink for Xmas, one who is fighting cancer and the other that had a cancer battle in the summer.

I was just watching, and my dad knew this, I just know people and at this point I realised he has got worse with his miserly and mean ways.

Meal comes and goes, it was very nice, and I can’t eat too much at the moment as another blockage is forming, but what I ate of my salmon was lovely.

I and Jeanette had wanted to stay in the pub after the meal, but my dad was in panic, pubs cost money! (I have to say that I and Jeanette would have also bought him a drink, so the cost really would have balanced out and with me on lemonade I’m a cheap date)!

So back to the house we go, my dad pulls out 2 cans of lager from a bag he had, no more and no less, (Hey you can’t leave any cans behind for other people!) but when he did drink those 2 cans, he was more than happy to drink my sisters partners lager!

I had settled onto the sofa, and Jeanette had got me a blanket and pillow, see during my stay Jeanette and Mark never put me under pressure if I slept as they understand I am on a lot of medication!

My sister had to explain this to my dad as he did not understand!

Anyway to cut this whole sorry saga short, he went home at 11pm (I had woken by then and tried to talk to him) as he went he took out a screwed up £20 from his pocket and said buy yourself something for xmas! (I am posting it back to him tomorrow; my dad has £45,000 in his account)

No it is not about money, it was the lack of feeling behind his gesture.

I have cut my dad out of my life and my sister is doing the same, enough is enough.

Still trying to care

I hope if anyone knows me, be that by reading my blogs or meeting me, I will always try to enjoy life, but boxing day took something out of me, I am in a lot of pain (got more hospital appointments) and I am also in pain with being let down by people, family and so called friends.

I feel very tired, perhaps it is my time soon, I don’t know.

I think of the love of my sisters and nieces and a light shines in my heart, but if I need any more surgery I am not sure I have the heart to go through anymore.

This Xmas (Boxing Day aside!!) was the best I have had in years and I was so looked after by Jeanette, Mark, Demi and Danni.

Sorry to finish on a low note, I will look forward to New Years Eve and the wonderful Jools Holland Hogmanay show on TV.

I am sure I will get a second wind in 2010

Xmas 2009 and then on to 2010

I can’t believe how quickly time has passed since 26th October, that was the day I moved into my new flat where xmas was a mere thought, now it is just around the corner and I have wrapped my first presents.

I should update on my chemotherapy, I am getting by ok, I am really getting tired now and once again have pains in my stomach, so more tests to come, but I feel relaxed and settled.

The reason I feel settled is my new flat, I feel very secure here and am enjoying making it home.
I have also thought and reflected on so called friendships and realise sometimes some friendships are too much hard work or my friends like my family more than me.
I am happy to report that smudge loves his new home and stamped his little paw marks all over it.

With winter coming I just want to stay warm and stay in these winter nights, also with chemo the cold weather and wind really bother me, so I hope to be ready to spring to life in Spring 2010!

I have an invite to Australia next year to see my cousins and Uncle and am saving away for this little trip. I also thought it would be nice to have a holiday to look forward to.
For my winter herbnation I have lots of books and blu ray box sets to watch J and the odd cinema and theatre visit.
Strictly come dancing and Xfactor tour here I come next year.

So I would say I feel quite relaxed and found my inner strength, I don’t really get down, I have got my routine based around my tired spells, and if I’m tired it’s not the end of the world.

To ensure I could make my sisters for xmas I have booked a taxi (got a very good price) way back in July when I was in that hospital bed with tubes hanging out me and my sister spoke about xmas at hers and I can’t wait for it.

We are going to stay in Xmas eve with my nieces and have nibbles and drinks (I will make my famous cocktails) and dance away.

I have really enjoyed buying presents for my sister and nieces and her partner.
Then in the New Year I can see where I will be health wise and hopefully I can get well enough for my other surgery, I have forgotten that amidst the last 8 months (wow has it been that long?)
So for the New Year what can I wish for, well good health, a good friend and a partner would be nice.
For the New Year I want to have a quiet evening in and reflect, meditate and think about my good luck to still be alive.

Can’t think of much more to write as I am tired of life in so many ways, no not health issues, just people can be so frigging hurtful, still think of that phone call to my sister behind my back.

I write again in 2010
Peace and love to everyone and have a wonderful Christmas and New Year.
xx

Quick check in

Time has passed by so quickly since my last blog.
I am starting a new entry tomorrow, but I know the lovely Caroline worries about me if I dont write in a while and I realy do appriciate that.

I am settling into my new flat, smudge loves it! I love it and it is a lovely safe and cosy home.
Chemo is tiring me more, but I am hanging in there.

will post early next week.

six weeks to xmas!

peace and love to everyone

Lucy
xXx

Moving and being rescued by family

First of all a big thank you to Caroline for her worries if I don’t blog in a while! And to Demi, yes I will plant some bulbs next week.

Well next week is my big move, and I think it is a big move in a lot of ways, not only does it secure my future, whether that be working full time again at the council or part time or even being a mature student, or a mix of part time work and mature student, so lots of possibilities!

It helps me see lots of possibilities and also importantly a future ahead after treatment.
I used my budget well to buy the bits of furniture I needed and I manage to hunt down some bargains.

Also another important part of me has moved on and it hit me this week.
I should be well enough to have my gender reassignment surgery next year, but I am not in a rush, I realised that there are other things in life then SRS! I think too many transgendered people worry about that “Trans” word, I now never refer to myself this way, yes I am proud of my trans heritage and will still continue to run workshops, but to many transwomen worry about “passing” or using that “trans” tag, and I think it is because they like to still shock people or feel that "buzz" that early transition gives you.

These are the women, who still called “sir” him etc, if you don’t think of yourself as a woman why should other people? If you don’t work on your voice, or body language then doesn’t complain, you get out of life what you put in.

I feel like I am at a stage of my journey where I want to value things so much more and not bemoan the negatives. I think also I took a brave decision to face that I was hanging onto one sided friendships.

Anyway where was I? Oh yes the blog title, see I was in a bit of a panic as I can get tired so easy and moving is a big thing (no matter how well I plan it)
I had told my sister that I would not likely have help as a friend may not turn up (I will not go into detail as this is not the place to and only for my personal journal or between sisters).

Jeanette being the caring person she is worried so she has rounded up my dad and uncle to come down and help and had a really good talk to my dad! And oh yes also Jeanette will be there and I also hope my other friend is.
Sister’s time out

Jeanette comes to mine for 2 days on her own (no partner in tow) and we had a lovely time together.

I showed her my new flat and we also shopped during the day and had some lovely lunches out.
It was nice to introduce her to some friends from work who have supported me and we had a fantastic girly lunch and chat.

Hayley who had not seen me in a while had said “Luce don’t take this the wrong way, you look fab! I though because of chemo you would be worse”
I took it has a compliment and also had a think about it.

See I know I am ill, at times chemo leaves me feeling so tired, but I enjoy every bit of life so will not go on about the negatives, also friends will get bored if all they hear is negative crap all the time.
I rest on the bad days and celebrate the simple days of a walk to the shops.
I have also noticed that people who have genuine reason to moan wont, the answer is simple why think about something that you live with 24/7? I would rather enjoy life.

I and Jeanette found out how many things we had in common.
We both like spaghetti westerns (and Clint Eastwood fans)
We love costume dramas.
Both drink like a lush!
And many, many more.
The 2 days went by so quickly.

So I am all ready to move and digital camera will be out to take lots of photos!

Love and peace to everyone.
Remember enjoy life, and any problem can be faced.
Also whinge once, maybe twice, third time act!

Flat Moving project

Well it is now 3 weeks to I move into my new flat provided for me by the local council.
I have the keys to it already and have been busy planning away and it has been good for me.

As I had four weeks to the actual moving day form my current flat, gave me the chance to plan my move, packing and any work on the new flat around my chemotherapy treatment and tired spells.

My new carpets are being laid tomorrow (Thursday 8th Sept) and my new (second hand 50s style wardrobe), then my boiler needs fixing and my window (all free by the council)
Then I am of to buy a new bed and mattress, I have seen a lovely metal frame bed and mattress in a sale.

I have got a budget to use and have really enjoyed balancing the budget.
My fridge freezer and washing machine have been delivered and I will buy a gas cooker next payday.
I have been packing away bits at a nice gentle pace and this moving project has given me a good focus away from the chemo and illness and tiredness.

I am on my second course of chemo and this time it is form home as I now have a portable pump and travelling bag while those lovely chemicals pump around my body.

Monday (5th Sept) was a long day I had to be ready from 7am to be picked up by the hospital car ambulance service, I was up at 6am to be ready for 7am and was picked up at 8am for my 8:30am appointment (whew still with me) as I was the slim one (or only one out of the other “bigger passengers”) who knew who to count calories I got the uncomfortable middle back seat!).

My second chemo was due to start at 11:30, the first chemicals, steroids and glucose take about 3 hours (which is as a inpatient) then I go home with the 48 hour heavy chemo stuff)

I had to be at the hospital for 8:30 to have a “Hickman line” put in, this is due to my veins disappearing at the sight of a needle, lots of scar tissue due to all the needles I had while I was in Whitechapel hospital.

So this line is inserted under my skin (near the collarbone) and stays in until the end of my treatment (March 2010) and also it can be used for taking blood.

I was given a local drug to numb the area as the surgeon has to make a cut and insert the tube with the guide of an x-ray machine.
So you are awake in the theatre and feel the cut but not the pain (strange feeling!) like something from a Robin Cook novel.
The surgeon (Mr Tosh) was lovely, he had visited me before the procedure to explain it, and while I was in the theatre he said “ok Lucy the important question”

“Strictly come dancing or X-Factor” so I said strictly and he was a strictly fan, so we spoke about the show and I forgot I was in theatre and then it was over!.

The staff in Southend hospital is so wonderful.
I was ready to go home at 7:30pm, so by this time it had been a long day and despite reading 150 pages of a wonderful Ian Rankin book was very tired.

My drivers shift had finished at 7pm but he still come to take me home and stopped at the all night Tesco store to buy some milk, and chemo food supplies as it does funny things to my eating! So bought cream cheese, skittles, chocolate and milk.

Will be back on my fruit diet Thursday.
He was wonderful about stopping as he understood I would be tired over the 48 hours of chemo and Southend hospital make you feel looked after.
Thank you lovely Southend Hospital Staff from this grateful woman.

I have been relaxing watching DVDs (lots of geeky sci-fi stuff) reading and little bits of packing and making lists!)

I feel more relaxed with this new flat as I also feel more secure about a roof over my head in the event I could not return to work (Alexander Maslow knew what he was talking about in the “hierarchy of needs”) most important one “shelter”

Also I realised I have gone through my own “bereavement process” let me explain, this is things I covered in “change and loss” in my training as a counsellor and bereavement is not only about physical death but also loss in life, a partnership split up, losing a job etc.

My own is the change in my status and now I realise I am changing my life and pattern to my physical demands and at times limitations, but it does not limit me, only makes me take my life at a different pace and I can’t be so impulsive as I do not know how I will be in 7 days time.
This flat move has really lifted me, I mentioned the main reason of security of my shelter, but also I can now focus on getting well.

Also I can do things more for myself.
My new flat, usually when I moved it would have been over a weekend, with a few days booked of work to get straightened, then back to work and doing bits over the weekend, well don’t most people?

Now I got time to set my flat as I want it and entirely at my own pace.
So I will use this as a focus and it will also give me a structure to my day.

So I am doing different little themes in each room, a warm sultry style for my bedroom, in my living room tributes to my favourite sci fi programs, and as well as buying from EBay I can create my own layouts from magazines I have collected over the years, my creative mind, some cheap frames and some art shop stuff. Hey I am thinking this is fun.
I have adjusted to my treatment and just feeling more upbeat.

I have worked full time for 30 years and now I can do more things for myself.
I am really enjoying meditating every day and finding a peaceful self focus.
I do think if I can do this, why can’t people who don’t have a critical illness do this?
Signing of now peeps
Love, peace and hugs to everyone.

OO I nearly forgot, the photos are of my portable chemo pot, yes that little jar holds 48 hours of toxic chemical to pump through my body, and the other is the natty little pouch to walk about in, I couldnt get a bright pink colour :-)

Chemotherapy and moving Therapy

I think it’s time I posted a blog, I also know if I don’t people may worry that I have passed on.
Don’t worry this girl is still here fighting.

It is now a week since I had my first chemotherapy treatment and all I can say is, “well that knocked me of my feet”!
I went into the “Elizabeth Lourey” ward in southend hospital; this is a specialist cancer ward and is a lovely place to be.
The nurses are fantastic and the bond between us the patients and them is very strong.
It is they see us going through all stages of health and treatment and sometimes make that final journey.

As one nurse said to me, we never complain.
I would say that a cancer ward is a positive place to be, you see us patients do talk to each other about our treatment, fears and even the “death” word, but we all want to make the most of life that is left in us.

In fact we worry more about what our friends and family are going through.
So if you think you got worries visit my ward and also I introduce you to a 9 year kid who is dying of cancer and then I would say “stop the self pity”

You see we are fighting for our very survival and any ounce of energy is so precious and has to be used sparingly.
When I first arrived at the ward I had a series of tests to ensure that I would be fit for the treatment ahead.
Then I spoke to one of the nurses, and she was very honest about the treatment ahead, which although not nice has to be faced.
You see with this disease you can’t burry your head in the sand and hope the problem passes, you got t o take that reality pill and face it full on.

99% certain is that my hair, eyelashes and eyebrows will fall out (this usually happens about the third treatment as the chemicals build up in your system).
That I will feel tired (I can confirm that already, I slept for 2 days after I got home).
I will be at risk to infection, so avoid people with colds etc.
Skin rashes (yep got some already)
I am having intense treatment and in her words “this won’t be easy”
Yet I found her words helpful as I can’t have any false illusions.

I had a talk with the doctor and they really like to know your frame of mind and need to know any little side effect of the treatment.

My treatment started at 8pm and this would last for 48 hours (finishing Sunday evening) this one little bag was easy to wheel about after my London hospital treatments!

When these chemicals are going through your body you can’t leave the ward, this is in the event the bag burst and the chemicals are highly dangerous! Yep that is going through my body.
We patients did laugh as we thought, well if we do go walk about with “the black chemo bags of death” people will get out of our way.

For this 3 day stay I took in my trusty laptop, DVD season 1 of the X-files, my IPod and also downloaded some programmes from BBC Iplayer to my laptop.

And I also read 700 pages of my Joe Donnelley book.
After the needle was fitted (this took lots of attempts as my veins now go into hiding at the sight of a needle) the treatment started, and for the first h our I did feel burning around this area but it soon passes.

I was also given steroids to boost my system and anti sickness tablets.
What does happen is all the affects occur once the treatment stops, while in hospital apart from heartburn I was ok, when I got home I was sick and slept for 2 days.
The ward I was in is split into rooms that hold four beds, and although it is a unisex ward, the rooms are one sex only.

The lady opposite me (Leigh) become good friends, she is around the same age as me and has been through chemo before, now being on a new treatment as the cancer has spread to her head.
It was helpful to talk about my fears with her, and in the day room everyone talks.
It is because we are in that mid plane between life and death.
So I found this stay non stressful and very supportive.
When I got home I had some more good news, my salary w
as due to go to “half pay” this month but my head of service took into consideration that my condition was not diagnosed for over six months and any illness I had was due to that, so my full pay has been extended until December 1st.
This is a really nice gesture from work and does help me with my worries.
Then more good news, I will be moving next month, 23rd October the date.
I had put my name on the council list last year when the first signs showed in my health and as my treatment and drugs increased so did my standing.
Also I feel the council has looked after me and the officers on the housing department have been brilliant.

So this week I had a phone call with a offer for a flat and arranged a viewing.
It is a nice little one bedroom purpose built ground floor flat and ideal for me.
Also it saves me another £350 a month on rent and costs and if I do go of work through ill health then my rent will be paid.
This takes so much worry of my mind and I am now in “move mode” I am looking for some second bits of furniture, but I will do it, me I’m a survivor.
I have asked Jenny if she can come up and help and it looks like she can with those important car runs with important items like a kettle!
I do feel like I now have some security for the future and can now fully focus on getting well.
My list of things to do while also attending chemo and other hospital appointments.

1. Buy washing machine/fridge freezer/cooker and arrange delivery and fitting
2. Arrange carpet measure and buy carpet for living room/bedroom/hallway
3. Find odd job man to fit curtain rails
4. Buy curtains and nets for bedroom
5. Buy second hand wardrobe and bedstead.
6. Start to pack
7. Arrange removal man and a van.
I got my list made!

So although I am finding the chemotherapy tiring, I feel that the Goddess is looking after me and I will continue to fight and make the most of life.
Love and peace to everyone

A new tattoo and hospital appointments

It has gone by so fast since I have been released from the Royal London Hospital on 4th August.
Wow it really has flown by so fast as it is now mid September and the evening light starting to come in earlier with a last blast of an Essex Indian summer.

A letter from work confirming that my sick pay will now go to half pay confirmed that I have been of work for six months now and not likely to return in 2009.
So as summer leaves us and autumn enters it is like another changing part of my life.
I have still not put any weight back on although my appetite is very healthy, and I do hope I can put some back on as the jutting ribcage I see every time I get dressed and undressed is not healthy.

I have adjusted to my new non working routine now, I set my alarm clock for 8am (as to the old 6:30am) get up make a cup of tea and read in bed with a talk radio station on.
9.25am one of my favourite TV programmes is on (The Jeremy Kyle show) which I watch with a cup of tea number 2 and my breakfast.

Ok not an earth shattering revelation, I found after working for 30 years and my Monday to Friday routine based around an alarm clock and a 38 hour week, that without this in my life I felt aimless.
At first I could not do much as I had to rest, but

as my body started to heal, a sense of frustration at seeing the same four walls crept in.

So a setting myself a routine made me feel like I was getting some control in my life, with a cancer in my body that I had no control over and the effects it had left on my life I wanted to gain some sense of balance back in my life.
And this did help, I started to do some chores arou

nd my flat, weeding the front area and if I got tired then hey I would just rest.
I do miss human company (as lovely as my cat smudge is) but I settled into a little cosy hermit life style.
Then my next hospital letters arrived.
I first saw my new doctor last week (3rd slept) and he was very nice and honest as all the other doctors I have seen so far.

So most of the tumour has been removed though I have what is known as “active nodes” this is an area to near delicate nerve endings for surgery, hence the need for chemotherapy.
But first a MRI scan to make sure nothing else has grown since my op then the chemo journey to start.
I was given lots to read and the possible side effect leapt of the page most notably “HAIR LOSS” then a new one that means a lot to me “TIREDNESS and FATIGE”
Although hair loss is my biggest fear, tiredness has become a part of my life that is so annoying; to be so tired for doing nothing can be so frustrating.

With creating a new routine and then getting a new tattoo I started to feel like I was at least controlling some part of change in my body.

It is a Wiccan symbol or if you are a fan of the TV series “charmed” you will notice it is the symbol on the front of “the book of shadows”.
And a few more tattoo ideas are in planning as you read this.
I now have a photo to post of the tattoo thanks to Jenny who came up this weekend to visit me and Smudge.
I am scared of the unknown effects of chemotherapy and find that only my sister is someone I find who understands this, perhaps due to her own scare with cancer or our strong bond.
If I try to share my fears with friends I feel almost dismissed with “you soon be better” as if I have a case of flu rather than cancer, sometimes you wish for a hug when all you get is patronised or I am just a awkward bitch!

I do know that I will not be back at work (if I ever go back) until March 2010 and have taken the view that I can use this time to heal physically, mentally and spiritually.
I take each day as it comes and try not to let the tired days get to me and accept that my body has undergone a lot of stress and is still healing.

I take many positives from my experiences and the biggest one is my relationship with my sister (Jeanette) which has really grown strong and my 2 nieces (Demi and Danni) and perhaps the second part of my life will take a different path?

This week begins with many visits to the hospital and another packing of my “hospital overnight bag” but this is a little weekend away compared to 5 weeks I had in July.
I have got a lot out of soul searching and deep meditation these last three months, I think being aware of your own mortality does this! Really I do sometimes wake up in a panic and think am I going to die.

I will write while I am in hospital.