A new tattoo and hospital appointments

It has gone by so fast since I have been released from the Royal London Hospital on 4th August.
Wow it really has flown by so fast as it is now mid September and the evening light starting to come in earlier with a last blast of an Essex Indian summer.

A letter from work confirming that my sick pay will now go to half pay confirmed that I have been of work for six months now and not likely to return in 2009.
So as summer leaves us and autumn enters it is like another changing part of my life.
I have still not put any weight back on although my appetite is very healthy, and I do hope I can put some back on as the jutting ribcage I see every time I get dressed and undressed is not healthy.

I have adjusted to my new non working routine now, I set my alarm clock for 8am (as to the old 6:30am) get up make a cup of tea and read in bed with a talk radio station on.
9.25am one of my favourite TV programmes is on (The Jeremy Kyle show) which I watch with a cup of tea number 2 and my breakfast.

Ok not an earth shattering revelation, I found after working for 30 years and my Monday to Friday routine based around an alarm clock and a 38 hour week, that without this in my life I felt aimless.
At first I could not do much as I had to rest, but

as my body started to heal, a sense of frustration at seeing the same four walls crept in.

So a setting myself a routine made me feel like I was getting some control in my life, with a cancer in my body that I had no control over and the effects it had left on my life I wanted to gain some sense of balance back in my life.
And this did help, I started to do some chores arou

nd my flat, weeding the front area and if I got tired then hey I would just rest.
I do miss human company (as lovely as my cat smudge is) but I settled into a little cosy hermit life style.
Then my next hospital letters arrived.
I first saw my new doctor last week (3rd slept) and he was very nice and honest as all the other doctors I have seen so far.

So most of the tumour has been removed though I have what is known as “active nodes” this is an area to near delicate nerve endings for surgery, hence the need for chemotherapy.
But first a MRI scan to make sure nothing else has grown since my op then the chemo journey to start.
I was given lots to read and the possible side effect leapt of the page most notably “HAIR LOSS” then a new one that means a lot to me “TIREDNESS and FATIGE”
Although hair loss is my biggest fear, tiredness has become a part of my life that is so annoying; to be so tired for doing nothing can be so frustrating.

With creating a new routine and then getting a new tattoo I started to feel like I was at least controlling some part of change in my body.

It is a Wiccan symbol or if you are a fan of the TV series “charmed” you will notice it is the symbol on the front of “the book of shadows”.
And a few more tattoo ideas are in planning as you read this.
I now have a photo to post of the tattoo thanks to Jenny who came up this weekend to visit me and Smudge.
I am scared of the unknown effects of chemotherapy and find that only my sister is someone I find who understands this, perhaps due to her own scare with cancer or our strong bond.
If I try to share my fears with friends I feel almost dismissed with “you soon be better” as if I have a case of flu rather than cancer, sometimes you wish for a hug when all you get is patronised or I am just a awkward bitch!

I do know that I will not be back at work (if I ever go back) until March 2010 and have taken the view that I can use this time to heal physically, mentally and spiritually.
I take each day as it comes and try not to let the tired days get to me and accept that my body has undergone a lot of stress and is still healing.

I take many positives from my experiences and the biggest one is my relationship with my sister (Jeanette) which has really grown strong and my 2 nieces (Demi and Danni) and perhaps the second part of my life will take a different path?

This week begins with many visits to the hospital and another packing of my “hospital overnight bag” but this is a little weekend away compared to 5 weeks I had in July.
I have got a lot out of soul searching and deep meditation these last three months, I think being aware of your own mortality does this! Really I do sometimes wake up in a panic and think am I going to die.

I will write while I am in hospital.