Thailand – 4th February 2011

Dilation is a word that all transsexual women will hear about as surgery comes up, it’s even known about before transition almost like some sort of mythical beast.

I think this legend has grown due to some” horror “stories by previous post op transsexual women, who not only seem to revel in explaining bout blood etc, but also enter the competition “who has the most depth”, I hasten to add that this is not true of all transsexual women, but the odd few strewn apples out of the box seem to have to find a way for masculine competitiveness.

Although I can adopt a “take it with a big pinch of salt” attitude, let’s be honest some images do form in the mind that can change as the day comes nearer.

Not only is it important to maintain depth, but to also circulate the vaginal and internal scar.

I am now 10 days post op, and have been out of hospital for 3 days, have now settled into my twice daily dilation routine.

The process after surgery is to have complete bed rest for 5 days and to keep your legs not to far apart or bent (as to not tear the skin graft as it heals).

This Was hard work, far harder then I imagined, I had my notebook and internet access, a good book to read, my iPod and my portable DVD player, I worked my way through the complete season 3 of “Buffy the vampire slayer”.

But little things like bending your knees to rest a notebook on, you never realise how much you miss it until you are not allowed to do it.

I was given a bed wash and new hospital top changed twice a day, and my room was cleaned twice a day, (once again the NHS could and SHOULD learn from this so called “third world nation).

The fridge in my room was well stocked with bottled water and fruit juices, one advantage of having a catheter is that you do not have to worry about trips to the loo with some drinking of fluids.

It is important as it encourages the newly shaped urethra to work and after my previous hospital trips; I am now an old hand at it.

On the 6^th day I was able to have a shower (ah the bliss) and walking with the aid of a nurse.

I took little granny steps at first and then on the 7^th day I was able to visit some of the patients in the rooms either side of me.

The 7^th day unlike in that wonderful comic is not a day of rest, but the day of release from hospital, but also has a tinge of nerves as it is also “D Day” (I think by now we know what the “D” stands for)

In the morning my catheter tube was sealed off, not taken out, but disabled and I had a shower and was given a pain tablet.

One of “my boyfriends” was taken out of my box; I noted it was the second largest “Jimmy Dean”

Then a nurse wheels in a steel trolley which was left alone with me for 15 long minutes as I awaited Dr Suborn, it looked more like something out of a “SAW” film as the minutes ticked by.

Then Dr S arrives and started to explain to me how the process was going to work, and also the cleaning ritual, for the first 2 weeks as the internal stitches heal, the wound also needs to be cleaned.

So first the Cather and drain tubes removed, no problem, next stage the internal packing, as I watched it really took me back to memories of watching a magician on television where they kept pulling all those multi colourer handkerchiefs out of his sleeve, it is packed into a Condon so that any bandages can infect you inside, but a lot comes out! And I can happily say there is no pain whatsoever.

Dr Suporn places a mirror between your legs and shows you as he dilates you, and it is not to unpleasant, a slight discomfort.

The only thing left is that I was able to urinate before I left hospital, and once again I had heard stories of “going everywhere” maybe I was just lucky, or possibly my deportment option of sitting down to urinate since I started my transition helped, but I did not go everywhere and had no discomfort, and it was a wonderful feeling when I sat down with my new vagina.

I was driven back to the hotel, and then told that Aye would visit me at 4pm. This was to watch me dilate and make sure that I was ok with the whole process.

Also due to hygiene reasons, tap water is not advised to be used to clean any instruments, the clinic do provide 6 bottles of water at a cheap price.

The whole routine takes 60 minutes at the moment, first is to wash the vagina area with water and then a medical solution, and then clean again with water so the whole area is clear.

A large plastic mat is provided to cover the bed sheet, with a long thin PVC strip. Also for extra hygiene a condom is placed on the dilator, (I have been told that there is no need for this once I am back in England and the skin grafts have healed.

Then you get on with it, as it stays in for 30 minutes I watch an episdode of the xfiles. This routine will change to 3 x 15 minute sessions next week and onto “dynamic dilation”

I had s titi8ches taken out today and I am happy with the healing process and walking a bit further now.

It is not that bad a process, it is just find8ing time to do it, and if you’re a Virgo like me then I got it all organised!

first look

Excuse typos, I ust had my meds given to me.
Bandages come of, and Dr Suporn inspected and yes I got sensation! he used a mirror and gave it to me, ok still swollen as expected, but I am so fucking happy, I keep looking.

And really hardly been in any pain at all, post care is good.
had a shower and washed nmy hair, finished buffy, and now starting xfiles, been told not to have sexy thoughts due to live tissue, Im bisexual and every Thai nurse is so hot, so calm thoughts.

And they said they like my tattoos and breasts and massaged them, think Anne Whiticombe

PS caroline knows ;)

what the names, Elvis, Jimmy Dean, Johnny D & Ms Kat Von D mean ;)

rough draft, but it do as tomorrow is D day

Thailand – January 25^th 2011 - am

I had a night of thoughts, half dreams, hurricanes & butterflies until at last the world of dreamscape...

I have packed my hospital items and had breakfast and spoken to the girls.

I have made some interesting connections and it has inspired, also the flirting with one USA girl has been fun.

The last 2 days have brought back memories from when I was studying Transactional Analysis and its work on the inner child.

On a conscious level I do not go around analysing people, I am sure that on the unconscious level this is not entirely true, I have always been a “people watcher “and trust my instincts around the different types of people I have come across in my lifetime.

I do think that as I am now mature not just in age but also on an emotional and mental level.

I can now look back on the work I done on myself during my counselling training and how accepting who you are inside and bonding with that inner child is so important.

There is/was a lady staying at the hotel that has had SRS, breast augmentation and facial feminisation surgery, the work on her face has been done repeatedly, where I can at first see a female shape to where it has continued to be worked at, continuing and trying to make her face into the ideal shape she had in her own mind, and it looks like it is coming from her unhealed inner child.

In how she acted and dressed it was screaming out and also her longing for acceptance and attention, her bold public face was very much at odds with her insecure attempts to let people hear what she thought they wanted to hear, rather then what she believed in or thought herself.

To me it brought home that the first place for self acceptance and love is not the scalpel but the counsellor’s chair.

Thailand – January 25^th 2011 – pm

I am in a hospital room #915, waiting for room #902 to be prepared, this will be my room for my stay.

Katherine a lovely Australian lady came to the hospital with me, she also wanted to visit another lady, (it is part of the Trans sisterhood support network, and I look forward to when I am able to help on the continuing success of this important function.

I have had my blood pressure taken and also meet the Psychiatrist who went over my life and family history.

He also went through my drawings with me and it is surprising what comes from within when answering his questions.

The inner child theme continues as I answered the question “how old do you see this woman in the picture and who is she?” I answered that it was me and that she was between 35-40 and I saw that my inner child as grown up, the outer and inner souls uniting, even if I am able to lie a bit about my age, and I can see that we still both share the sin of vanity.

As I was sitting in the little room adjoining the hospital room to eat my lunch, I had so many thoughts about my childhood and how I have come to this place now and felt an inner peace.

I am still nervous as the 2 bites of my chicken salad can verify.

I am now all unpacked in room 902, and the Thailand people’s attitude to Trans people is so refreshing they appear to respect us.

My nurse kia was so funny, as she said to me “tomorrow Lucy you will have a beautiful vagina” I thought that a UK nurse would not have offered these sentiments!

I now have a wired broadband service, all set up for 200 BHAT a day (£4).

My room is spacious (larger then my bedroom at home) and well air conditioned, with a fridge, television, wardrobe, safe, table and chairs and a sofa.

I am now in this strange limbo before the next part of my continuing journey, I am so happy that I and my inner child are still on this earthly plane and that all those years of self hate and destruction failed.

I have just met a lovely friendly woman, the one who will put me to sleep tomorrow, and took the time to talk to me, go through my medical history, explain how she would do things and said not to worry as she will put me to sleep quickly and I will get a sleeping tablet tonight, the level of care so far is so good, and people assume that Thailand is a third world medical country!

She also explained that Dr Suporns team had been discussing me for tomorrow re securing my stoma bag for hygiene reasons, the attention to detail is very impressive, and I bet he makes lists as well.

New Journeys starting

I heard a knock on my door earlier today and a young man introduced himself and explained that he was here to support his partner who had her surgery yesterday (Monday) I offered to sit down and talk to me and then told me HER story, she had gender issues and was not ready to transition six years ago but was going to, I asked her name and it will be Eve, I called her Eve and said you are a woman and we have all been where you are at this moment in your life.

She had also meet Dr Suporns staff and one of them is going to take her shopping this week for some female clothes, for me it says it all.

If I was to add further comment, could you imagine a NHS reception nurse doing this in her own time?

They also let relatives sleep in the room and even put a bed in the room for them and also feed them, I think I am hammering in some big points and I would recommend Dr Suborn and his staff to anyone.

I did go to see Eves partner and we had a good chat, it is her birthday on 15^th Feb, and you be surprised to know we will be drinking wine in the hotel bar that night!

I not got time yet to write about the Dutch girl and other stories.

I am going to end here and my next blog will be post op.

Monday 24th January 2011

A little time out from some deep and reflective private blogging.

It has been edited from a more detailed blog, if some bits seem oput of sync sorry

After talking to Jo online, with time difference and me up at 3am it was nice to talk to someone from home and it helped a lot, I was also going through a lot of missing smudges huggles

I was ok when I woke up with so little sleep, had a lovely time talking to people over breakfast and then headed out for a little 10 minute walk in 30 degrees heat, flip-flops and a summer dress in January was total pure bliss pure bliss.

I had started talking to a Dutch lady who was being admitted o hospital today (Monday) and she has her surgery on Tuesday, but we were taken to the hospital together for our blood and other tests.

We had a good laugh, cry over our shared experiences, she goes home on the 21^st February (the day before me)

We are going to talk to each other as we progress through pre op, post op care and dilation stories.

I had a 2 hour gap before I was due to meet Dr Suporn for my consultation.

As I was waiting I was given a consent form to fill in a questionnaire and asked to draw 2 images:

One of how I saw myself and the other a picture with a house, tree and people in it. Was also asked to place in order my preference of what I wanted, which I answered:

· Sensation

· Cosmetic appearance

· Depth

And asked what depth I expected.

He went through a PowerPoint presentation explaining about how it works, what to expect and the healing process and of course dilation.

I was very happy with what depth he said I would get a minimum of.

I got to meet the great man himself, he examined me and went through my medical history and assured me that my skin was good for his technique.

He went through a PowerPoint presentation to explain about his procedure.

I was given a booklet and a lot of information and my “special friends” my 4 dilators or my “boyfriends and girlfriends” I am thinking of names for them, Jimmy Dean, Kat Von D are springing to mind.

I will be in hospital for 7 days and then bed rest in my room for another 5, but some of the girls are going to visit me in hospital and also when I am back in my hotel room.

I am going to read my booklet and watch some DVDs and relax; I am in a calm state and about aftercare, dilation and hygiene and thinking of the road ahead.

Also a big thank you to everyone for your good luck messages to me

.

Closed to Further Notice

I will add the odd update here and there.

I am still writing, but it has a more personal blog.

I do think people for the feedback on my blogs, but I want to stop being hurt.

I can put up with my family, hey I been used to that!

But I finally got the message when I emailed a new account and got no reply, I got the message!

I am still trying to recover from this flu, I have had an injection and it has helped me to overcome my paid for ticket for my called of journey to the midlands, but if im not well I m not well.

To Jo who reads these blogs and who I spoke to the other evening, thank you! For talking to me and I would like your feedback on some of my blogs if this is ok, I will tweak security settings.

I started to pack today, one week to I fly over, 11 days to surgery.

Need to heal from inner hurts before then.

Been such a long time

I have not really been up to blogging much lately; but I was reminded about it when I came across a photo I took with my webcam when I was in hospital recovering from my cancer operation and also my Thailand date is just “around the corner” I fly out on 22^nd January and it has flown by fast (no pun intended)

As I have been resting and recovering from the flu bug that seems to be affecting everyone, I also feet in a writing mood and have the time as I had to cancel a visit to Leicester to visit Lisa and Pauline, I did not want to cancel but I can’t take any chances with surgery, as with a chest infection my date would be delayed and I don’t want any more delaying.

There are a few little bits to catch up on

Where do I start, I take it that for people who have read my previous blog I can report that I have had two more tattoos done since, my boobs have healed very nicely, I have written out profile details for dating sites and I have started to set things in motion for a more active social life this year.

Photos to give a quick update.

An Eastenders Christmas

It is sad for me write this, but in some ways it was going to happen with how events had been developing over the last six months.

I did spend Christmas at my sisters again and we had also planned to go out (just the 2 of us)

My dad was still acting like a bigot and I have continued to have no contact with him since his actions last Christmas (is in a previous blog)

But my sister has started to act “shifty” in how she was on the phone to me and how she had stopped phoning me so much or even returning my missed phone calls to her.

She had asked me if she could loan £5000 from me before that, I had to tell her I did not have the money and she still owed me “250 from her summer holiday” (now the eastenders reference makes sense!) I had offered her what I considered good help and advice, about contacting CAB, writing letters, budgeting, even offering to travel to hers, make appointments and help her to stop hiding her head under the sand, but she said she had no time!

I do understand it is not for me to ask her to choose a side in the argument with my dad, but I had asked her not to tell him about how I was doing as this was just between us sisters, which I felt was fair of me to ask.

She ended up borrowing the money of my dad (as was found out on Christmas day).

I had planned to travel up to her by train on Christmas eve and return home the day after boxing day, I have found from past experience that trains hardly run over the Christmas holiday, Well all of a sudden our boxing day meal was cancelled has she had to go to her partners house for a dinner, (no invite for me) and could I go home boxing day, I had suggested that I could stay at hers and while she was at the meal I was happy to watch television and make myself a turkey sandwich.

The answer to this was no, could I go home boxing day, for this I had to use a car service and cost me a extra £40, and my first thought was to cancel coming over, but I thought it is Christmas a time to be together.

When I was there on Christmas eve, I did have to tell my sister to calm down a few times as she shouted at my nieces a lot about mess, there really was none and one had brought in wrapping paper to the kitchen to wrap presents and had planned to tidy up after, to me it was a sign that she was not totally comfortable.

I was sitting in her living room and noticed a big Christmas card that had a headline “TO A SPECIAL DAUGHTER AT CHRISTMAS” yes to me it looked that big.

It was a card from my dad to my sister and no I had not received a card.

It really hurt, but I thought let it go, anyway as things progressed over the day and into Christmas day, events become clearer, how people slip up when they have had wine!

My dad was going to be at this dinner, it was a family event, well apart from me, hey let’s not invite the family freak, but my dad caught sleeping with prostitutes is ok (I kid not)

I was still keeping a lid on my feelings when my sister really reacted as I put my glass of wine onto a table, about spilling it etc; I think it was like the final straw and I let rip at her verbally.

I went home and we haven’t spoken since, well once via a text I sent her to inform her that the cheque she wrote me had bounced and I felt that after six months could I please have my money back!.

In truth I don’t know where this will end, I know my patience with a lot of people has gone, and perhaps it is time for me to put myself first.

Social life going well

I have started going out and have been getting plenty of attention or offers, so this is nice, inside I feel very relaxed and happy with who I am, and I think this now shows through to other people.

My look is my own and I love it, I can look back to when I was ill and decided to be totally who I am.

Job centre interview

It went ok; the interview is part of me getting my Employment Support Allowance (ESA), the lady I spoke to was very nice and I was able to update her about my operation and that I would not be able to be fit for part time work or studying to about March time, to recover from surgery.

I am looking at courses to study and part time jobs and I do feel ready to get back out there again, so 2011 will be a big year for me.

Packing lists again!

As a certain Scottish lady said to me the other day online, don’t forget the packing lists, as if I would!

I have surpassed myself and have three

1 – Hand luggage

2 – Main luggage

3 – Post op care.

Also using my shopping list opened up a new world to me as I started to buy maxi pads and panty liners.

I feel very calm about the whole process, I am sure that I will be nervous on the day, this is for any type of surgery, it is my time and I am totally ready.

I am taking my notebook and will have internet access in Thailand, so there will be updates.

That’s all for now, thank you for reading and everyone’s support so far.