Why "The last resort"?

Why did I call this blog site "The Last Resort"?
well I love music and always have my Ipod with me, last week as I was on the train to London "Last resort" by Papa Roach come on and it brought me back to May 2006.

May 2006 was the time I realised I had to stop living a life of self bullshit and do what I wanted, and most of all overcome all my fears since I was a child.

From the age of 7 I was not comfortable with my gender, my place in the gender hierarchy, my body, my self image. this was 1970 and as a child was not aware of words like "trans" "transsexual" or "transvestite" I was just aware of feelings of fear and shame.

From the age of of 7 I was looking at the world through fingers covering my face trying to avoid being discovered for who or what I realy was.

These stayed with me a lot during my whole life until 2006.
I had not realised that I had been living a life of self denial as I never thought I could change my birth gender, or feared more what I could lose, career, public face etc, stupid really isn't it, surely being true to yourself is more important.

It is easy to say now, at this time in my life to the outside world I was a 43 year old man with a very resonable career, The journey to becoming Lucy seemed like trying to swim the English Channel after one swimming lesson.

May 2006 was "the last resort"

Last resort by papa roach
"Cut my life into pieces I've reached my last resort, suffocation, no breathing Don't give a fuck if I cut my arms bleeding Would it be wrong, would it be right If I took my life tonight, chance are that I might Mutilation out of sight and I'm contemplating suicide Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine Nothing's alright, nothing is fine I'm running and I'm crying I never realized I was spread too thin Till it was too late and I was empty within Hungry, feeding on chaos and living in sin Downward spiral, where do I begin It all started when I lost my mother No love for myself and no love for another Searching to find a love upon a higher level Finding nothing but questions and devils Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine Nothing's alright, nothing is fine I'm running and I'm crying I can't go on living this way"

May 2006 I made a appointment to see my doctor asking to be referred for Gender reassignment, I wanted to start living and for once say "so what"

I had been training to be a counsellor and this involved a journey of self discovery going back to my inner child and the fears that I had hidden from, transctional anyasis has a lot to answer for!