Lists, Panic attack and the safe haven of a list

One of my main comfort zones ,in life is my lists are very important this is from a shopping list, a things to do before I die list to a list of “things to do”.

They make sure I don’t forget an item of shopping, give me something to tick off and show me progress and as I found this week be an anti panic attack tool.

On Monday I received a letter from work informing me that from the 17th September my sick pay entitlement from work would go to half pay, not a total surprise to me as I know the rules at work and that I would only get full pay for six months, then another six months of half pay to well I cross that bridge in March 2010.

The first list was one I first made back in April when I was first diagnosed with cancer (that time has passed so quickly) this list looked at the possibility that I my income could be affected as I did not know how things were going to pan out.
I had also put my name onto the housing list and had my status upgraded along each stage of diagnosis, new medication I was put on and any other status updates.
I have been working since July 1979, yes 30 years! a unbroken run of 30 years, though not with the same employer, but my current one (Southend Borough Council) is the longest place I have worked at (10 years in November).

So I have always been used to a earning a wage, which gives me a feeling of security when paying for my rent and to a extent maintaining my life style and this gives me a fair degree of independence.

Back in March/April as I was starting to worry about my health the first thoughts of a uncertain work future did enter my head, work may be supportive, they are still a business and do not pay people forever to sit at home, whether its cancer to bird flu.
So when that letter dropped on my mat telling me that my pay would go to half sick pay as from 17th September, it was in the Lucy plan.

However that night I did not sleep well, I really hardly slept and ended up reading quite a lot of my peter James book to listening to good radio at 4am.
It was not only the letter that was unsettling me, other things such as is I really a horrible person? will I die alone and reoccurring cancer and being trapped in Whitechapel hospital for the rest of my life.

The base of my security was being blasted away and not chipped at.
So making a list the next day did help, it made the problems look smaller and more containable and less scary.
I was able to trim of some not so needed direct debits of my monthly list (£32.15p) which I could buy a week’s shopping at my local Lidl so not to be sniffed at.

I did contact housing at the council and I am now on A list/level standing for a one bedroom flat.
For me this is perfect, I don’t need a house, much too big for me, a flat is so ideal.
I can start looking at council properties online tomorrow to show a preference; ok I may not get it! But it is a start.
I chased up my critical illness claim at the bank for payment of my loan.

So this will help, I know that worries will return.

It is not just a financial readjustment I am going through, but also a life change.
I have had a work routine for 30 years, now I don’t have to get up at a certain time.
I do set a alarm clock to get into a routine, it feel a lot different when you know you don’t have to get up after the third or fourth snooze button alarm press.
I do my daily walk to build up my exercise and eat to get my weight back on, I feel in this changing limbo.

I still get tired a lot and have been told this could be how I am now, so a slower life style beckons, who knows.
I feel I life in a smaller and lonelier world and this also scares me as I spend so much time alone.
Perhaps I need an activity list!

I am in a limbo until my next hospital appointments for chemo and once again I am in the unknown as to how this will affect me.
For the moment the panic attacks are on hold..................for now